Lately

Ham and I have been savoring these last few warm weeks before he starts going to early preschool and I start working more. We've hit every park and play group around. I thought the best way to blog about this would be a collage. Enjoy!

Letting Go

Ham sleeps with his little plastic tools. He pretends to fix things with and carries them around all day. When he's tired he wears his blanket on top of his head and runs into things. He loves steering wheels and buttons. He doesn't really ever sit still. The first ten minutes of "Curious George 2: Follow that Monkey" make him laugh hysterically every time (and I still don't know why). He hates green vegetables and most protein. He can't drink juice because he'll vomit. Running water always makes him giggle. He doesn't like to be held or cuddled, but you always know he loves you. "Wa-wah" means waffles not water in our household. Waking up is always an occasion for celebration. His deep belly laughs can brighten any day. He only likes kisses on top of his head, and he hates mushrooms.

There are so many things to know about my son. How is a stranger going to learn all of these things with other several other kids? All of the helpful notes in the world will never be able to sum him up. He is a joy and a walking disaster all rolled into one pudgy bundle. Ham is my life, and I am so afraid to let him go even though I know that it is the right choice for us both.

How are they going to know that he hates regular sippies and is afraid of animal sounds? What happens if he wakes up from nap and cries because I am not there? What if they're mean to him or don't like him because he can't talk? How about if he feels abandoned or lonely? Will he think we love him less? Will he still love me?

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It's off to Work I Go!

Changes are taking place here in the Ham homestead. After much thought, desperation, crying, and inner turmoil I have decided to go back to working just about full-time (up from my measly 12 hours a week). There were so many things that made me change my mind about staying home full time the largest of which are Ham's special needs. I haven't talked about them much at all on this blog because I still have trouble accepting them.

Ham was diagnosed at eighteen months with a significant speech delay.  At twenty months old he can say "mama," "no," "uhoh," "nigh nigh," "uhhh" for up, "daaaaaa" for down, "wah-wah" for waffle, and "mahmahmah" for more. He is definitely still quite far behind, but he has therapy every week and we are working with him one on one as well. Up until the last few weeks, he only really said "no" and "uhoh," so we are making progress.

Ham's other special need is his Sensory Modulation Disorder combined with Sensory Seeking behavior. This is hard to explain. Ham needs to experience more sensory stimuli more often and more intensely than other kids. On top of that, he has trouble doing so. This disorder is so much more challenging than the speech delay. His disorder causes him to do things like extreme tantruming, head banging, screaming, aggression, very short attention span, hyperactivity, mood instability, and general difficulty with everyday life for both of us. I LOVE Ham with all my heart. I really do, but even with the therapy I can barely handle him some days. We have good days, perfect days but we also have horrible days when I just sit and cry and pray for help.

I have finally realized that I am not cut out for caring for a special needs child 24/7. I am not. I wanted to be so badly, I really did. I read all the books, I went to counseling, I am on medication, I joined a local SAHM group, I frequent message boards, and I feel like I am drowning in mamahood. I did everything I could and more, but I still can't handle it. I am finally ready to accept that fact and move on. My job has graciously offered me more hours, and I have accepted them.

Now I am dealing with the mess of getting Ham into daycare. The center that I fell in love with has a year long waiting list which sucks. I am now trying to decide between my other choices. I toured one large center today and was not as impressed as I was with my first choice, but I did like it. I am touring two home day care centers later this week. I need to make my choice by Monday.

It is a lot happening all at once. I just hope that I am making the right decision and that everything will work out for the best.

Positively Negative

I peed on my stick (make that a whopping seven sticks, just to be sure) with all my heart it's a no-go. I'm not pregnant this time around, but I'm oddly okay with that. I know that it will happen when the time is right. In the meantime, I have decided to focus even more on eating healthy and exercising so that I will be at my best when I do get pregnant. I've decided, not so happily, to eliminate refined sugars and a majority of the carbs from my diet. It is going well so far, but it is definitely not an easy feat.

I suppose it's a blessing in disguise that I am not vomiting my brains out right now because Ham has really been testing me lately. There has been lots of screaming, running off, hitting, and otherwise misbehaving. I think his two year molars may be to blame, but I'm not brave enough to stick my fingers in to find out for sure. I just hope that this phase passes quickly.

Easter bubbles!

An Average Tuesday

Life has been pretty uneventful since my last post. Ham is doing well although he did catch another cold, his second in the last few months. He seems to be understanding so much lately even though he has not made any more progress in the way of talking. He basically only says "I-GO" meaning that he is wanting to go/going somewhere, and "no" which means anything from yes to leave me alone. I yearn for the day when he walks up to me and says "I love you mama." I am pretty sure I will just all out lose it then.

Hubby and I are still TTC. I am still waiting to test, I will get to pee on my lovely plastic stick on Friday morning. I would love some prayers for a positive result. I am trying not to get my hopes up since this is only month #1 of trying, but it is hard not to. I am so ready to get this show on the road!

I am dragging hubs to IKEA on Friday since he has the day off. I've been told that couples never fair well at IKEA, they even devoted an episode of 30 Rock to this phenomenon. I hope we make it out happily married and carrying bags to Swedish awesomeness! We need a few more things for Ham's new room when we move as well as whatever else we find that we cannot live without.

That's it for today. I am going to use the rest of naptime to try and get some work done.

Waiting...

    I am not a patient person. It's just a fact. I can't seem to change that no matter how hard I try. I am, however, a lot more patient than my 1.5 year old. We are currently waiting the obligatory two weeks before I pee on a stick. I remember how upsetting this process was the first time around and am hoping it goes more smoothly this time. Ham was conceived after lots of trying, and I was convinced that I could not possibly be pregnant when I took the test. I was so convinced that I actually threw it away before even reading the results and went back to bed. I remember digging it out of the bathroom trash and panicking because I didn't have any more tests left and wasn't sure if I could trust the positive since it had been sitting in the trash a few hours. This was before I had a car of my own, so I had to wait all day to drive over to Walgreens and buy not one, not two, but six pregnancy tests (gotta be sure) to take at home. All of them came up positive and so started my life as a mama.

    Now that I've been-there-done-that, I am trying to be a bit more calm about the whole thing. I tracked my cycle and timed everything right. I just had to sit back and relax, but honestly all I can think about is the possible baby. I have even bought a few, super cheap, baby items that I could not pass up. Hubby seems to be playing along nicely despite my erratic moods lately (a mix of hormones and weaning off my meds), and I hope that I can maintain my faux calm until I can at least test. I should find out one way or the other by Easter. Until then, I must learn to be patient.

Busy Day!

Ham and I had a super busy day today. We had a fantastic play date with his friends L and S (identical twin girls about his age) at their farm house. I can't wait to come when the weather is nicer and see all the baby animals! After that we had some lunch at Qdoba and then a haircut. We topped it off with a quick visit to his favorite park, and now he's napping it all off. You know he's tired when he runs inside, grabs his blankie, and falls to the floor. Tonight we're having a going away dinner for my husband's best friend who's visiting from Hawaii and then watching the Office! What a perfect day. I might even hit up the grocery store when he wakes up. Did I mention how much I love being a SAHM?

Updates

Life got in the way of writing as it seems to do quite often. Nuff' said.

Lots of changes are afoot in our family. Ham has been diagnosed with developmental delays and is just beginning therapy to work on them. He has delays in speech, communication, and social behavior. A speech therapist will be working with him weekly. We are also having an occupational therapist evaluate him for sensory and behavioral issues. It is a lot to take in, and I am still dealing with it. Everyone thinks their child is perfect and it's not easy to hear that there is something wrong. I love Ham with all my heart and I am convinced he will do great things. He just needs a little more help than some other kids.

We're moving! Our little family is moving across town to a nice little town home. It is more like a row house by design, tall and skinny but the neighborhood is considerably better then ours. We finally get our own washer and dryer and stairs! I've never lived in a house with stairs, so I am really excited about them. One more thing to decorate! We'll be moving at the end of April.

Last but not least, we've decided to start trying for baby number two! It's still pretty hush hush, but I am beyond excited. I hope that things come easier this time around. I am so ready to be pregnant again and to add to our family. I am already planning for my VBAC. Wish me luck! I know it's going to be a long road ahead.

The Best Job Ever

Being at stay-at-home mom was not what I thought it was going to be, but it turned into the best job ever. I get to wake up every morning and kiss my baby. I get to cuddle him, sing to him, eat with him, watch "Sesame Street" with him, shop with him, nap with him, and let happiness rule my schedule. We get to eat when we're hungry and rest when we're tired. We have a basic schedule, but we stray from it often.

I get to see the joy in my son's face when he learns to climb his slide or uncertainty when he tries something new. I also have to be the housekeeper and head disciplinarian, but nothing is perfect. I have lots of people ask me how I can stay home and still be satisfied as a person. I do work 12 hours a week outside the home which seems to fill any adult void that I have. I love being mama, there is no better title. My job is to raise a person, to sculpt a toddler into a man that I can be proud of. It's not an easy job, but the rewards are better than any paycheck.

I am proud to be a stay-at-home mom! I am just where I want to be. :)

Peace and love to your littles,

Beth

Goals for 2012

Rather than resolutions, I've decided to make some manageable goals for 2012. I hope, for once, that I can really stick to these.

1. To eat a less processed, more locally sourced diet.
Which I have failed at already, thanks McDonald's. I will succeed tomorrow.

2. To lead a more active lifestyle.

3. To re-connect with my Jewish roots.
Note the new layout. 

4. To read more books.

5. Lastly, to stay on budget every month.