Guilt

Despite a rocky start, my child is healthy and thriving. He is nine months old (as of Monday) and a chunky little entertainer. He weighs a whopping thirty pounds and stands, yes stands, just under three feet tall. However, many mamas are not as fortunate as I am. I have a difficult time looking at my healthy child knowing some of my friends and family members may never know that feeling.

Recently, a few of my family members as well as some friends and acquaintances have either lost their children in utereo, at birth, or have very sick children. I look at them in this sorrow and I wonder why I deserve to have what they can't have. I wonder why G-d gave me a healthy child and PPD/PPA so I could not enjoy or appreciate him while other mentally stable mothers grieve their lost babies. 

Now that my depression is lifting, I am left with all of this guilt. I feel guilty because I missed out on Ham's first few months. I feel guilty because I could not appreciate Ham when he was a tiny squish. I feel guilty because I cannot give Ham the kind of life I wanted to. I feel guilty because we don't have a lot of money or even a backyard. I feel guilty because I could not breastfeed. I feel guilty when I get frustrated with him and have to go into another room. I feel guilty when I am in a hurry to go somewhere else. 

I just have a lot of guilt. It seems like the waterfall of worries in my head has been replaced with a swamp of guilt. It is stagnant and thick. I feel like it is stealing my happiness like the depression and anxiety did before, but it is a slower battle. The PPD/PPA took me away like a leaf in the rapids whereas the guilt is like slowly sinking in quicksand. I don't know how to get past the guilt. I know it will take time. I just hope that I can keep my head up and focus on Ham this time around.