The Beast

Ham had his first meeting with the evaluating psychologist. It went okay. It wasn't particularly informational or extraordinary. The doctor echoed most of the things I already thought/knew. She wasn't the nicest lady I've ever met or very good with difficult children but she was thorough. Ham has to return next week for a lengthy evaluation and several tests. I am not looking forward to a string of hours in a very quiet waiting room without wi-fi.

I've been working like a tornado trying to determine what we will be capable of providing for Ham when this whole evaluation period is over and we get a diagnosis. I've sat on hold with extremely unsympathetic insurance agents in a crowded restaurant, I've called every in network therapist, I've contacted the local school system, and I've reached out to as many spectrum moms as I can find. All this time and effort and I've got little to show for it. Everything seems just out of reach for me.

In a perfect world there would be one magic place where Autistic kids could go and get the things they need. It would be filled with gentle and patient therapists, caseworkers, and helpers. There would be OT, ST, PT, ABA, and every other acronym useful to Autistic kids. Parents would be involved and welcome to observe while children would be encouraged to grow in a safe environment. Sadly this magical place exists only in my dreams, perhaps they have one somewhere else in the world but sadly not here.

I am forced to attempt to piece together a program for my son with little knowledge of what he actually needs with little real guidance. I feel lost and overwhelmed. My husband doesn't want to talk about Autism anymore. I am alone against the beast that is Autism and the American healthcare system. God help me.

A is for Autism

With a heavy heart  I took Ham to a developmental pediatrician to get some answers. It is something that I have put off for exactly a year. I prayed that he would grow out of it and just be "normal," but in reality that is not possible. Ham's behavior has become a roadblock to his own growth and development.

I went armed with three years of medical records, a typed description of Ham's behavioral issues, and Ham's Nintendo 2DS (for distraction). Ham was on his worst behavior which was both a blessing and a curse. It was good for his doctor to be able to observe some of his behaviors and bad because of the looks he gets from other patients and the nurses. My heart breaks a little with each disapproving glance.

After much discussion and observation, Ham's doctor believes that he is on the spectrum and may have ADHD. For some time now I have suspected Autism or specifically Aspergers, but it does hurt to hear a professional say that about my son. Now Ham must be evaluated by a child psychologist that specializes in evaluating young children.

It may sound simple enough but there are long waiting lists for evaluations and therapy in my area. We are looking about two to four months at all of our options. I know that three months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like an eternity when I see the way people treat Ham.

Today I became more than a mother. Today I became an advocate for my special needs son. I know it will be an uphill battle but I am ready.