Guilt

Despite a rocky start, my child is healthy and thriving. He is nine months old (as of Monday) and a chunky little entertainer. He weighs a whopping thirty pounds and stands, yes stands, just under three feet tall. However, many mamas are not as fortunate as I am. I have a difficult time looking at my healthy child knowing some of my friends and family members may never know that feeling.

Recently, a few of my family members as well as some friends and acquaintances have either lost their children in utereo, at birth, or have very sick children. I look at them in this sorrow and I wonder why I deserve to have what they can't have. I wonder why G-d gave me a healthy child and PPD/PPA so I could not enjoy or appreciate him while other mentally stable mothers grieve their lost babies. 

Now that my depression is lifting, I am left with all of this guilt. I feel guilty because I missed out on Ham's first few months. I feel guilty because I could not appreciate Ham when he was a tiny squish. I feel guilty because I cannot give Ham the kind of life I wanted to. I feel guilty because we don't have a lot of money or even a backyard. I feel guilty because I could not breastfeed. I feel guilty when I get frustrated with him and have to go into another room. I feel guilty when I am in a hurry to go somewhere else. 

I just have a lot of guilt. It seems like the waterfall of worries in my head has been replaced with a swamp of guilt. It is stagnant and thick. I feel like it is stealing my happiness like the depression and anxiety did before, but it is a slower battle. The PPD/PPA took me away like a leaf in the rapids whereas the guilt is like slowly sinking in quicksand. I don't know how to get past the guilt. I know it will take time. I just hope that I can keep my head up and focus on Ham this time around.

Weight Watchers Among Other Things

Today is my first day of Weight Watchers Points Plus. I am going strong so far. It is not as hard as I thought it would be. I am pretty much eating what I was with some minor changes and the exception of all things fast food. I am excited to see this through, and hope that it is the fresh start I am looking for. I helps that my husband is coming along for the ride.

School is finally done for the summer, and I could not be happier. I get to spend all the time I want with Ham and even enjoy some pleasure reading. I did not flunk accounting, I got a high 'C!" Who could ask for anything more?

My very first Mother's Day was nice. We visited our moms and spent the day relaxing with Ham. Hubs got me tickets to Chicago the musical.

Tomorrow is our two year anniversary. I am so excited to have made it this far with no major problems. I could not be more in love with my Hubs. I am a lucky girl. More on that tomorrow.

Later this week is my first counseling appointment. I am trying not to think about it. I have been through counseling before for another issue a long time ago, and I hated it. I am not a very open person, at least when we are meeting face to face, and talking to a stranger about my issues is not really my cup of tea. I know it is something I have to do. I just want to get through it and get better.

That's all for now dearies.

Living on Less (LOL for short)

I've decided to start a new blog series, hopefully it will run weekly, about living on less. We've been slowing adopting a leaner lifestyle, partly out of necessity and partly out of a desire to save more money. I have found myself transforming into a more responsible person, perhaps a better person even. I used to be obsessed with things, and spent hundreds of dollars every week on things I did not need. Now, I thrift, clip coupons, pantry shop, ebay, garage sale, repurpose, buy in bulk, and make my own. I cannot imagine spending $80 on a pair of jeans again. I am happy with my leaner lifestyle, and I would like to share my journey with you.

I will be sharing things like cheap and healthy recipes, how to coupon, what to buy in bulk, how to thrift, how to tackle garage sales, cost efficient household cleaning, how to sell your junk for cash, how to repurpose with style, and raising a child on less. Please join me on my journey to live on less.

Speaking of living on less, this week's pantry challenge has been going smashingly! Yesterday we had Alton Brown's Sweet Potato Waffles with a few substitutions (egg beaters and leftover mashed sweet potatoes) and Ina Garten's Baked Maple Bacon (using turkey bacon). We did not have to buy a single thing to make dinner because it was all in our pantry and fridge. Tonight, we are having America's Test Kitchen Classic Bolognese pared with some lettuce salad and French bread. We substituted ground beef instead of the mix as that is what we had on hand. It is definitely worth the time simmering; just one more hour until it's done!

The Bolognese simmering away on the stove...yummm

I will share more recipes tomorrow. Bon Appetite readers!

The Pantry Challenge

I can't remember where I first saw this, but regardless I am partaking! The pantry challenge is basically where you try and use up all the food you have in the house rather than buying a whole bunch of new groceries to suit your tastes. Some quick background, I've recently realized that we are wasting a whole lot of food by making up tasty menus every week rather than just eating what we have, so we are going to see how long we can go with just minimal shopping.

Our menu for this week:

Breakfast:

• Cream of Wheat
• Cocoa Wheats
• Oatmeal with fruit
• Bagels with fat-free cream cheese and fruit
• Cold cereal and fruit
• Yogurt with fruit and granola

These breakfast choices will all be interchangeable depending on mood and time allotted for breakfast.

Lunch:

• Grilled chicken couscous salad with chickpeas 
• Bean tacos and rice
• Leftovers from dinner

Again, lunches are not planned by day, just made for the whole week.

Dinners:

• Spaghetti Bolognese with a side of spinach
• Pork enchilada casserole with lettuce, corn, and sour cream
• BBQ chicken with broccoli and grilled mushroom kebabs 
• Skillet chicken and rice with broccoli and cheese
• Oatmeal waffles with bacon and fruit
• Omelets or mini quiches with lots of veggies
• Leftovers

Can you believe we have 90% of the ingredients in the house already? For some strange reason we have an excess of corn tortillas so we will be making another enchilada casserole for my husband's office Cinco de Mayo party! 

While we are eating high off the pantry/freezer, Ham will be dining on our stash of homemade and store bought baby food as well as finger foods too. He has a love of wheat toast with applesauce spread on it. Yummy and healthy! 

Throughout the week I will post recipes and money saving tips. Are you game for the pantry challenge? Follow along and post your recipes and creative meal ideas. 

When are you having another?

Apparently, since my child is nearing a year it is time for me to get myself knocked up again. I am assuming this is common practice as I get asked all the time when I will be birthing a sibling for my poor lonely eight month old. For starters, I think having children less than two years apart is insane. I realize many woman do this, but I see no logical or sane reason for this choice. Secondly, Ham will most likely remain an only for the foreseeable future. I am an only, and I see nothing wrong with onlies. Perhaps someday we will adopt, but my womb is closed for business! After a horrible pregnancy, traumatic delivery, PPD, PPA, and all the other difficulties I have elected to stop while I am ahead.

This does not mean that I think other people should have only one child, this isn't China, or that they should feel the same way I do. I think large families are awesome when it is the desire of both mom and dad to have lots of children. I follow lots of great large family blogs and fully support all parent's choices in that matter. http://www.smockityfrocks.com/ is one of my favorites! I am not anti-large family by any measure.

I think Ham would agree with me that one is enough for us. He seems completely happy with all the love we can offer, the extra toys aren't bad either.

My Hair (The Good, The Bad, and the Postpartum)

I used to be really into my hair. By that, I mean that I spent at least an hour giving myself the perfect blowout daily. I bought salon products and went monthly for highlight touch-ups. We won't even go into my make-up, Abercrombie, or tanning habits. I was that vain teenage girl, the one that I currently make fun of.

Since college, I've given up my vain ways for most efficient and cost effective beauty rituals. It was a bit of an adjustment with lots of hair disasters along the way. For starters, I cut all of my hair off, think pixie cut, freshman year and then cried for the rest of the semester. I got a bad perm, cut it all off, then proceeded to get another bad perm, and then cut it off again. Apparently, I do not learn my lesson easily. There were bad highlights, bad haircuts, home hair color, and lots of tears. Sadly, at twenty-four, I am still not at peace with my hair.

My pregnancy ruined my hair in the worst way possible. Despite my never missing a prenatal vitamin or my copious intake of milk, my hair broke off half way down. I had to cut it mid-pregnancy which was a very emotional experience as I was attempting to grow it out. I completely lost the curl in my hair leaving it a straight, frizzy mess. I cut it off again a little over a week postpartum because I no longer had any time to style my hair. Now at eight months postpartum, my hair is still crap. It is dry, frizzy, and waves in odd ways (usually not the same way on both sides). I have spent a considerable amount of money on conditioning treatments, shampoo and conditioner, styling products, brushes, and trims to get rid of split ends. Yet, I am still here with straw-like hair. I am at a loss of what to do. So, I am going to seek professional help. I have no idea how much hair I will have left after this, but I pray that I look halfway decent.

A Short Timeline of my Hair...

My super short haircut grown out a bit...I was about 18 here

Bad Perm #1 age 20?

Grew it out again 21-22

Bad Perm #2 with my husband age 22

Recovery from Perm #2 (my hair is actually still permed but straightened in this photo)

Short PP hair (age 23)

Current Hair age 24

Sadly, I do not hair any pictures of my awesome long blonde hair from high school. Who knows what I will look like next week. Hopefully, it will be one of my good haircuts. 

Just a Little off the Top

Little Ham got his very first haircut yesterday and, surprisingly, sat still the entire time! He looks so handsome with his new 'do!

Some fun before photos...

Gotta love the little hand :)

Before Hair!

During!

He kept trying to look at the back of his head when she was cutting it. 

Almost finished!

Eight month update to follow!

LOL

I had to share this laughing fit with you! Apparently "Minute to Win it" is pretty hilarious to an 8 month old!

For the Sake of Posting

I don't really have an entire coherent post put together, but I felt like typing out my thoughts anyway.

I haven't felt like myself lately, and I now realize it is because of school. The pressure of being a full-time student, wife, mother, and working outside the home has gotten to me. I can barely function some days and other days I am fine. I hope that I can work this all out come summer. I want this to be a positive time in my life.

That aside, Easter is fast approaching and, for some insane reason, I am hosting Easter. Yes, you've heard correctly, I am hosting Easter just one week short of finals! I have no idea why I decided this was a good idea, but somehow I did. I purchased a cart load of Easter decorations at Michaels a few weeks back, and have since created a simple, but hopefully pleasing, menu. I've invited our respective families, and finished amassing a kick butt Easter pail for my little Ham. Yup, I am so all over this, that is until the day before when I am running around my house having a ham induced panic attack. Maybe next year I'll volunteer to host Passover instead...

Adding to my inability to function has been Ham's rather bipolar shifts in mood. One minute he is laughing his bum off and the next he is screaming for nearly an hour. I can't figure out what is bothering him, but I know that somehow this phase will end. I pray for it to end sooner than later.

Sorry for the in-cohesiveness of this post.

I had to share this picture!

From our recent Easter shoot, as Cubs fans we had to try the Harry Caray glasses between shots.

He was actually posing on his little rocket ride-one in this particular outfit, but he was resting between shots and happened to find the leftover box of eggs from a few poses before. Isn't this just adorable? I had to share. I promise more substantial postings to come as my life is calming down in the coming weeks.