Excuses for Not Blogging in 2013 and Hopes for the New Year

I pretty much gave up blogging in 2013. It has been a chaotic year filled with changes for our family and a slew of health problems. We moved not once but twice (because we're nomadic like that) with the latest move being to the home we bought November 1st. Marmalade (our kitten) joined the family in May ending our two year pet-free streak.

Ham had bronchitis a handful of times, several unexplained rashes, norovirus, a half dozen sinus infections, a particularly bad ear infection, his first trip to the ER (stitches in the chin), a few puncture wounds, and a whole lot of snotty noses. I enjoyed one broken bone in my hand (because I am the biggest klutz ever), an ear infection, several bouts of bronchitis, one round of steroids for an mysterious inflamed rash, a month long stomach virus culminating in a trip to the off hours clinic, the flu, and reconstructive surgery on my nose and sinuses. The hubs got off lucky with just a few bouts of a cold. Overall, 2013 was an unhealthy year for us.

The hubs and I both managed to keep our jobs despite all the changes in healthcare laws and the like. We are working hard on our debts and trying to consume less. The new home is everything we dreamed it would be, and we are slowly getting it decorated and making it feel like our home. Ham finally considers it his home too.

Ham has had a difficult year with all of the changes and transitions. At just about three and a half he is far from potty trained and has been resisting toileting pretty consistently since we introduced the concept at two and a half. His lack of potty skills got him kicked out of one preschool already which was a difficult transition in itself. For now, Ham is in daycare because we cannot find a school that will take him un-potty trained. The moves were a tumultuous time for him, and tantrums were at an all time high. Marmalade has become an unexpected friend for him. Watching him lovingly pet her and talk about her as his sister is just the sweetest thing ever.

We are going to get Ham formally evaluated by a developmental pediatrician as well as behavioral specialist in January. One of the main reasons that the blog, as well as many other things, has been pushed to the back burner is Ham. His behavior is becoming more difficult to manage with his increasing size. We had hoped that the ability to talk would greatly reduce tantrums and other behavioral issues, but it hasn't. The Hubs and I suspect Aspergers Syndrome.

The journey to get a diagnosis for Ham is what I will be focusing my writing on in 2014. I don't believe in resolutions, however I do believe in hopes. For 2014, I hope to be able to soothe my child and communicate with him on his level. I hope for a more harmonious relationship with my son resulting in a calmer home life. This is what I want out of the next year. The journey starts today.

Roseola

Ham has been acting and feeling weird lately. He had a bad cold that seemed to last forever, followed by three days of random high fevers with no other symptoms, then followed by the appearance of a rash. I decided to wait it out rather than take him to the doctor because he cannot tolerate very many medications, and I didn't want to put either of us through that kind of stress.

I decided to turn to good ole "Doctor Google" to get some answers. A quick look at Dr. Sears's website followed by some webmd gave me the answer. Ham had a textbook case of Roseola. Apparently it is a very common childhood illness that I had never heard of. He is almost back to normal now.  I am proud of myself for not overreacting. Sadly, I did not capture a photo of his awesome rash before it went away.

Back to Basics

I am setting my ambition aside for awhile and going back to my roots as a stay at home mama. The work/daycare experiment did not work for us. At first I resented Ham's utter rejection of daycare, but I think this will be a good thing for both of us. Ham will now be at home with me everyday but Monday afternoon and Friday all day (on those days he will be with his grandmas).

I must admit that I am hesitant to be at home nearly full time again. My depression and anxiety issues were to blame for my failure as a SAHM, but they are under control now and I feel like myself again. Ham is talking more (Hooray for speech therapy!), he is responding well to occupational therapy, he is calmer, he is getting along much better with other children, and is generally a more pleasant toddler to be around. I am actually excited to get back on the play date circuit.

Last summer was the best summer of my life, and I sincerely hope that this summer follows suit. Wish me luck!

Second Thoughts

I am having second thoughts about daycare/preschool. Ham is two weeks in and still not even remotely adjusted. He hates it. He cries off and on all day, refuses to eat and sleep, and generally stays gloomy. He cries when I leave him and is still crying when I pick him up. He holds on to me for dear life when I come get him. It breaks my heart over and over again, and I am not sure how much more I can take of it. I don't want to get ahead at the expense of my child. There is a two week notice required to leave daycare, so I need to make my decision soon.

Another reason we are considering nixing the daycare is to save some money. Hubby and I are committed to working out our finances meaning paying off all debts and beefing up our savings. We want to buy a house in the next five years as well as pay off my student loans and my car. Daycare costs us around $300 a month which is a pretty huge savings. I picked up a few more hours on non daycare days which will also add some cash flow. We've committed to stop eating out (which is already killing me) and scale down Ham's second birthday bash (which is also killing me). It sucks, but I know that it is best for our family.

Thirdly, I miss the hell out of Ham when he's gone. I miss play dates, days at the beach, thrifting trips, picnics, lazy mornings, shared naps, snuggles, and even Elmo. Ham misses it too, I can tell. This change is especially difficult for him due to his sensory and speech difficulties.

I've got less than 24 hours to decide. I will update you all tomorrow.

School Days and Mommy Guilt

Ham started school on Tuesday. He and I had a difficult time adjusting to it. The morning drop off went smoothly but Ham soon realized that he was not going home anytime soon and then the water works started. His teacher, Miss Dee, told me he pretty much cried all day and refused to eat or nap which is so unlike him. When I came to pick him up he was pacing around the room crying and looking scared and lost. My heart sank. He cried all the way home and even nearly an hour afterward. I cried a lot that day. I considered pulling him out of school even though I knew it wasn't a possibility. Mommy guilt took over and I cried until my eyes swelled. It sucked to see him so sad, and I dreaded Thursday morning when we had to do it all again.

Thursday morning was tearful. Ham refused to walk into school and clung to me like a spider monkey when I dropped him off. Miss Dee had to pull him off me so I could leave for work. I gave it two hours and called to see how he was doing. To my surprise he was doing well. Apparently finger painting and parachute can really turn things around for the under two crowd. He ate his lunch, took his nap, and was happy to see me when I came to get him. He gave me a hug and things were normal again. I am so glad that this transition went relatively smoothly for Ham. I, however, am still working through my guilt over leaving him.

I always thought I would be a SAHM. Daycare was never an option for me because I thought only neglectful mothers leave their children with strangers all day. I was a daycare kid turned latch-key teen with few happy memories of being in various daycare centers and after school programs. I resented my mom for leaving me to work a dead end job. It took me years to realize that she was just doing the best she could. I resolved to be the opposite of my mother. Yet, I find myself in much the same place as she was when I was a toddler. I do have a career and the prospect of continuing my education, but I am leaving my child to work all the same. I have come to a new understanding with my mom. I just hope that Ham doesn't hate me for my choices. Here's to overcoming mommy guilt and doing the best we can for our kids. That is my mantra for now.

Of course there are pictures!!!!!

On our way to School, Ham doesn't know what is in store for him yet.

He's excited!

Ham's classroom