The Childcare Dilemma

I got the job!

 I will be a full-time working mama starting the twenty-fourth. I am beyond excited about what this means for me and my family. I cannot wait to get my ass out of debt and beginning enjoying family outings again. The idea of extra money seems like a fantasy at this point.

On the other hand, I now have exactly one week to find suitable childcare for Ham. Ham is considered "special needs" by most care providers since he has sensory processing disorder. When you say "My son has SPD and he often needs extra attention" they hear "My son will ruin all order and happiness in your place of work. He will trash your classroom and start an avalanche of tantrums and screaming." At least that is my theory since people automatically change tone and demeanor after they hear about Ham.

I guess I'm glad that they are so taken aback because it shows me that they are not fit to care for him. However, I can't seem to find anyone who is that is reasonably priced and close enough to my home and work. I found this amazing Montessori school run by the calmest preschool teacher ever. I feel in love with it quickly and deeply. I knew Ham would thrive there. I could see the changes in him already, but it's so far away from our home and work that it's unfortunately not an option. The much closer Montessori school is just outrageously priced, I would be spending almost my entire paycheck on childcare.

So, now I am scrambling to find a place for him to go even if it's temporary. All the big centers are full, and I've scared away several nannies and home day cares with Ham's special needs. I have very few options left now that would work for us. I am beyond stressed about this, but all I can do is pray and keep looking. Any suggestions would be gladly accepted. 

Funerals

American funerals are such a strange custom. We take a person's dead body to a fancy funeral home, we remove all their blood and guts, we pump them full of chemicals, and then we put them on display for people to cry over. I don't know about you, but I think this is just plain weird.

My grandfather died this past Sunday. He lived in a nursing home for the last few years of his life and died of congestive heart failure/shingles/Alzheimer's/Parkinson's/kidney failure. His death was expected yet sad. I sat in his tiny room on the Alzheimer's unit for four hours with my mother and grandmother. He lay in bed covered as if he was sleeping but his chest never rose. We sat there until he was hauled away by the mortician.

In those hours alone with my mother, grandfather, grandfather's brother and his wife, and my aunt and uncle I mourned. I let go. I said my goodbyes because I knew that he was at peace with God. He could finally feel the grass between his toes, the sun shining on his face, and the breeze off the lake. He was free from pain and the sickness that plagued him for the last twenty-five years. In that time, I had my own funeral for my grandfather.

Yes, I attended the "real" funeral with all of the pomp and circumstance associated with dying. There were lots of tears, floral arrangements, mood lighting, old photos, speeches, and a fancy coffin. The body of my grandfather lay there enshrined on an oak pedestal. To me, it felt so wrong to mourn such a simple, humble person in such an over-the-top way.

My grandfather was a kind man who would do anything or anyone. He was a mechanic, a soldier, and a brain tumor survivor. He spent the entirety of my life with a large portion of his brain missing, but he still loved me more than anything. I will miss him, but I will mourn him in my own way. I will honor him with my kindness to others and my love for my family. 

Work

I have been a full-time SAHM for a few weeks now, and I can honestly say that these have been the worst weeks in recent memory. It's sad but true. I hate being home full-time. Ham is not an easy child by any means, and he has found creative ways to make my life more difficult now that I am ever present. We have been put on the waiting list for a behavioral therapist, but they said it will be at least three months. Which means three more months of getting hit in the face, punched in the stomach, kicked, screamed at, charged at, and just plain beat up. I am tired of being his punching bag, and it's no longer just me. He is beginning to get violent with other children. To say that I'm worried is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am at a loss of what to do about Ham's behavior. He is just plain terrible most of the time, and it's sunk me into a depression. We have put our plans for a second child on hold as we deal with this situation. After a lot of soul searching and prayer, I've decided to apply for full-time jobs because I need to get away (we're also flat broke but that's another issue entirely).

I had my first interview with a clinic on Tuesday, and it went fantastically. I have a second interview and a two hour observation scheduled for Friday morning. I am beyond excited. This could mean much needed adult time, desperately needed income, insurance, savings, the ability to pay off our credit cards, and so much more. I don't think I have ever been this happy about going to work!

There is only one problem, what to do with Ham while I am working. I have spent a considerable amount of time searching for a special needs/behavioral issue friendly daycare provider. I have come up with a few options that I need to look into more thoroughly. It seems like very few daycare providers and teachers understand how to work with kids like Ham. I sincerely hope that I can find a good fit for both of us so we can both thrive. 

Unemployed

The title pretty much sums it up. I am without a job and considering staying that way for the long hall. I mentioned my general job related stress in my last post and it seems that I may have foreshadowed my own crappy ending. My boss and I parted ways over his inability to treat me like a decent person. I will not miss the job, but I will miss the paycheck. As of now, I am looking for a very part time job. I have applied everywhere that I know I will feel content and now I am waiting.

I was pretty torn up about this whole thing until today (my very last day of work). I have come to terms with what happened and can now move on. After a serious talk with the hubs, I now know we can survive on one income if need be. I have had homeschooling in my heart for sometime as well as another baby, so maybe this is God's way of nudging me in that direction.

I am trying to look at this as an opportunity for growth in my faith and self control as I will need both of them to get through our new (and possibly lengthy) lack of funds. We will no longer have money for eating out, shopping, entertainment, "fun money," gifts, big purchases, and the like. In short, we're broke! We will have money for the necessities; bills, food, gas, and internet (we are both going to school in part online so this is required).

This is something with which I know I will struggle. I can be quite frugal but have always lacked the self control needed for this kind of budgeting. Honestly, I am not sure I can do it and that scares me. Thankfully, hubs is on board to help me get through it. I have no credit cards and only carry a debit for necessities.

I am not going into this smiling, but I want to learn to live without frivolous distractions. I want to be able to give Ham (and all his future siblings) my full time and attention, so I am going to have to start sacrificing now. I will need all the prayers and help I can get!

What all this means for you is my LOL (Living on Less) series will make a triumphant return, I will be doing a series on traditional peasant recipes, and there will be lots of budget-minded entries. And of course, lots of Ham!

-Beth

Frustration

I have been so frustrated lately. My boss is not the easiest person to get along with, and lately he has been pretty darn miserable. I just want to be able to go to work and peacefully do my job. Why does there always have to be so much conflict? It's like living at home again. I wish I had other options, but right now I don't. We need the money from my job for car payments and bills.

I am frustrated with my body as well. There is new hope that we may be able to have another child, which is awesome don't get me wrong, but there is so much to think about. I have a 50/50 chance of pretty much being bed bound during the entire pregnancy. I am scared to risk it because I don't want to take anything away from Ham, but one the other hand I know that I will wonder "what if" for the rest of my life. I am a huge believer in just doing it rather than regretting not doing it later, but I don't know if that is the right way to look at a situation like this.

Thirdly, I am frustrated that I have no babysitters anymore. Ham and daycare don't mix, and I have accepted that. However, I still have to work and occasionally get things done sans bebe. My MIL has been gracious enough to pick up all the slack after my mom had surgery, but I can tell she is growing tired of it. My mom is having complications and may need a few more surgeries putting her out of the babysitting pool for the next half a year at least. All of my friends have toddlers of their own and don't want to take on another (which I totally get), so I am stuck. Ham isn't the easiest child to watch either. I am at a loss and hoping I won't lose my job if I have to cut back on my hours (again). Ugh.

Aside from all the frustration and general crappiness, I do have some happy news. I am now singing with my church's worship band. I am one of three singers, and I love it. We do mostly Christian pop songs. I am in heaven. I didn't realize how much I missed singing until now. God is good. :)

My heart is ready but my body is not

As you may have remembered from previous posts I have an autoimmune disease called "Anklosing Spondylitis" (AS for short). I try to be the kind of person who does not let their illness define their life. I keep my whining to a minimum even on bad days and do my best to manage my disease.

We recently tried to get pregnant again with no luck. I had to be off all of my medications for a few months in order to ensure a healthy baby, and it was a nightmare. I felt like I was back where I started pain wise. I feel like I failed Ham as a mom and the hubs as a wife. I simply could not be a wife, mother, daughter, co-worker, and deal with my AS at the same time. So, I started my medication back up and pushed the idea of another baby to the back burner.

After that debacle, I started researching AS and how it affects pregnancy. Even though AS does not normally prevent a women from conceiving and carrying a child to term, it does affect her joints and spine while off medication. Apparently the damage done during a major unmediated flare cannot be undone afterward. Meaning I could permanently damage my spine and major joints by being off my medication for a long period of time. I suppose I could kiss my desire to breast feed goodbye too.

I honestly don't know if I am physically capable of dealing with another pregnancy, birth, and recovery. I don't want to put my own selfish desires before the well being of the family that I already have. Ham does not deserve a disabled mother. I want to be there for him and the hubs as long as I can. I am so afraid that another pregnancy would jeopardize my family.

I am now dealing with the realization that I may never be pregnant again. It is not an easy thing to accept, and I go back and fourth with acceptance each day. There is still a possibility of adopting in the future which gives me hope. I never wanted Ham to be an only like I am, but sometimes God has other plans. 

Powerless

Today we had a really bad storm. The kind of storm that comes with hail and 40+mph winds. The sky opened up and it rained like God was dumping out a bucket. I love watching storms but not at work. Unfortunately I found myself at work during said storm and, of course, the power went out.

It was just about lunch time so we opened all the curtains and ate lunch by natural light. In an attempt to save money, I brought a frozen dinner in lieu of ordering out. So, I had no food. Luckily our office manager shared her lunch with me or I would have been starving. We all figured that the power would come back on after lunch, but it was still dark and getting stuffy.

The power never did come back on. Half the city was out of power, they may still be out for all I know. I never realized how much we depend on electricity until today. Driving was extremely dangerous since no one knows what to do when the stoplights don't work, work was impossible, communicating with the outside world was impossible, and even cooking was impossible. What would happen if this lasted a week or longer?

I have only lived through one true blackout in my town. I was in elementary school and it was winter time. We had a blizzard that left us without power for nearly a week, but somehow we managed. I remember coloring by candle light and storing the food in the snow outside. It was fun to live in the dark. As an adult, the idea of a blackout scare the hell out of me. It is truly frightening how powerless we are without electricity.

My dad is what some might call a "doomsday prepper." He has a store of water, fuel, ammunition, military grade meals, survival gear, seeds, barricading supplies, and a slew of other doomsday essentials. Many jokes have been made about my dad's eccentricities, but I can honestly say that I feel better knowing that I am safe if we lose power for an extended amount of time. 

Roseola

Ham has been acting and feeling weird lately. He had a bad cold that seemed to last forever, followed by three days of random high fevers with no other symptoms, then followed by the appearance of a rash. I decided to wait it out rather than take him to the doctor because he cannot tolerate very many medications, and I didn't want to put either of us through that kind of stress.

I decided to turn to good ole "Doctor Google" to get some answers. A quick look at Dr. Sears's website followed by some webmd gave me the answer. Ham had a textbook case of Roseola. Apparently it is a very common childhood illness that I had never heard of. He is almost back to normal now.  I am proud of myself for not overreacting. Sadly, I did not capture a photo of his awesome rash before it went away.

Back to Basics

I am setting my ambition aside for awhile and going back to my roots as a stay at home mama. The work/daycare experiment did not work for us. At first I resented Ham's utter rejection of daycare, but I think this will be a good thing for both of us. Ham will now be at home with me everyday but Monday afternoon and Friday all day (on those days he will be with his grandmas).

I must admit that I am hesitant to be at home nearly full time again. My depression and anxiety issues were to blame for my failure as a SAHM, but they are under control now and I feel like myself again. Ham is talking more (Hooray for speech therapy!), he is responding well to occupational therapy, he is calmer, he is getting along much better with other children, and is generally a more pleasant toddler to be around. I am actually excited to get back on the play date circuit.

Last summer was the best summer of my life, and I sincerely hope that this summer follows suit. Wish me luck!

Home

As a child I spent most of my time away from my house. I spent my days in daycare, at a sitter's, in school, in after school programs, in before school programs, at friend's houses, and with family members. Home was where I slept not where I lived. Home was not always a welcoming place to me. Most of the time I did not want to be home because there was so much negativity. I longed for a happy home to call my own and I finally have that.

Our home is peaceful, safe, and full of love. I love coming home from work. I open the door and Ham runs to me with his arms out yelling "mamamama!" Hugs and kisses are exchanged by all. My husband is happy to see him and I am happy to see him. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's our real life. After the hello hugs and whatnot Ham usually starts screaming for something and dinner needs to be made. Yet Regardless of our struggles and conflicts there is still so much love and acceptance.

Lately Ham has really been trying our patience. His acting out has increased ten fold as well as some new behavioral issues, like forcing himself to vomit to get attention. Dealing with two year old is difficult in general but dealing with two year old who has sensory issues and a speech delay is almost impossible some days. Despite all of this, I made the decision to pull Ham out of daycare. His last day is June 21st. I know this is going to be difficult, but I know that it is the best thing for him. I want him to be home where we both belong.