Unemployed

The title pretty much sums it up. I am without a job and considering staying that way for the long hall. I mentioned my general job related stress in my last post and it seems that I may have foreshadowed my own crappy ending. My boss and I parted ways over his inability to treat me like a decent person. I will not miss the job, but I will miss the paycheck. As of now, I am looking for a very part time job. I have applied everywhere that I know I will feel content and now I am waiting.

I was pretty torn up about this whole thing until today (my very last day of work). I have come to terms with what happened and can now move on. After a serious talk with the hubs, I now know we can survive on one income if need be. I have had homeschooling in my heart for sometime as well as another baby, so maybe this is God's way of nudging me in that direction.

I am trying to look at this as an opportunity for growth in my faith and self control as I will need both of them to get through our new (and possibly lengthy) lack of funds. We will no longer have money for eating out, shopping, entertainment, "fun money," gifts, big purchases, and the like. In short, we're broke! We will have money for the necessities; bills, food, gas, and internet (we are both going to school in part online so this is required).

This is something with which I know I will struggle. I can be quite frugal but have always lacked the self control needed for this kind of budgeting. Honestly, I am not sure I can do it and that scares me. Thankfully, hubs is on board to help me get through it. I have no credit cards and only carry a debit for necessities.

I am not going into this smiling, but I want to learn to live without frivolous distractions. I want to be able to give Ham (and all his future siblings) my full time and attention, so I am going to have to start sacrificing now. I will need all the prayers and help I can get!

What all this means for you is my LOL (Living on Less) series will make a triumphant return, I will be doing a series on traditional peasant recipes, and there will be lots of budget-minded entries. And of course, lots of Ham!

-Beth

Frustration

I have been so frustrated lately. My boss is not the easiest person to get along with, and lately he has been pretty darn miserable. I just want to be able to go to work and peacefully do my job. Why does there always have to be so much conflict? It's like living at home again. I wish I had other options, but right now I don't. We need the money from my job for car payments and bills.

I am frustrated with my body as well. There is new hope that we may be able to have another child, which is awesome don't get me wrong, but there is so much to think about. I have a 50/50 chance of pretty much being bed bound during the entire pregnancy. I am scared to risk it because I don't want to take anything away from Ham, but one the other hand I know that I will wonder "what if" for the rest of my life. I am a huge believer in just doing it rather than regretting not doing it later, but I don't know if that is the right way to look at a situation like this.

Thirdly, I am frustrated that I have no babysitters anymore. Ham and daycare don't mix, and I have accepted that. However, I still have to work and occasionally get things done sans bebe. My MIL has been gracious enough to pick up all the slack after my mom had surgery, but I can tell she is growing tired of it. My mom is having complications and may need a few more surgeries putting her out of the babysitting pool for the next half a year at least. All of my friends have toddlers of their own and don't want to take on another (which I totally get), so I am stuck. Ham isn't the easiest child to watch either. I am at a loss and hoping I won't lose my job if I have to cut back on my hours (again). Ugh.

Aside from all the frustration and general crappiness, I do have some happy news. I am now singing with my church's worship band. I am one of three singers, and I love it. We do mostly Christian pop songs. I am in heaven. I didn't realize how much I missed singing until now. God is good. :)

My heart is ready but my body is not

As you may have remembered from previous posts I have an autoimmune disease called "Anklosing Spondylitis" (AS for short). I try to be the kind of person who does not let their illness define their life. I keep my whining to a minimum even on bad days and do my best to manage my disease.

We recently tried to get pregnant again with no luck. I had to be off all of my medications for a few months in order to ensure a healthy baby, and it was a nightmare. I felt like I was back where I started pain wise. I feel like I failed Ham as a mom and the hubs as a wife. I simply could not be a wife, mother, daughter, co-worker, and deal with my AS at the same time. So, I started my medication back up and pushed the idea of another baby to the back burner.

After that debacle, I started researching AS and how it affects pregnancy. Even though AS does not normally prevent a women from conceiving and carrying a child to term, it does affect her joints and spine while off medication. Apparently the damage done during a major unmediated flare cannot be undone afterward. Meaning I could permanently damage my spine and major joints by being off my medication for a long period of time. I suppose I could kiss my desire to breast feed goodbye too.

I honestly don't know if I am physically capable of dealing with another pregnancy, birth, and recovery. I don't want to put my own selfish desires before the well being of the family that I already have. Ham does not deserve a disabled mother. I want to be there for him and the hubs as long as I can. I am so afraid that another pregnancy would jeopardize my family.

I am now dealing with the realization that I may never be pregnant again. It is not an easy thing to accept, and I go back and fourth with acceptance each day. There is still a possibility of adopting in the future which gives me hope. I never wanted Ham to be an only like I am, but sometimes God has other plans. 

Powerless

Today we had a really bad storm. The kind of storm that comes with hail and 40+mph winds. The sky opened up and it rained like God was dumping out a bucket. I love watching storms but not at work. Unfortunately I found myself at work during said storm and, of course, the power went out.

It was just about lunch time so we opened all the curtains and ate lunch by natural light. In an attempt to save money, I brought a frozen dinner in lieu of ordering out. So, I had no food. Luckily our office manager shared her lunch with me or I would have been starving. We all figured that the power would come back on after lunch, but it was still dark and getting stuffy.

The power never did come back on. Half the city was out of power, they may still be out for all I know. I never realized how much we depend on electricity until today. Driving was extremely dangerous since no one knows what to do when the stoplights don't work, work was impossible, communicating with the outside world was impossible, and even cooking was impossible. What would happen if this lasted a week or longer?

I have only lived through one true blackout in my town. I was in elementary school and it was winter time. We had a blizzard that left us without power for nearly a week, but somehow we managed. I remember coloring by candle light and storing the food in the snow outside. It was fun to live in the dark. As an adult, the idea of a blackout scare the hell out of me. It is truly frightening how powerless we are without electricity.

My dad is what some might call a "doomsday prepper." He has a store of water, fuel, ammunition, military grade meals, survival gear, seeds, barricading supplies, and a slew of other doomsday essentials. Many jokes have been made about my dad's eccentricities, but I can honestly say that I feel better knowing that I am safe if we lose power for an extended amount of time. 

Roseola

Ham has been acting and feeling weird lately. He had a bad cold that seemed to last forever, followed by three days of random high fevers with no other symptoms, then followed by the appearance of a rash. I decided to wait it out rather than take him to the doctor because he cannot tolerate very many medications, and I didn't want to put either of us through that kind of stress.

I decided to turn to good ole "Doctor Google" to get some answers. A quick look at Dr. Sears's website followed by some webmd gave me the answer. Ham had a textbook case of Roseola. Apparently it is a very common childhood illness that I had never heard of. He is almost back to normal now.  I am proud of myself for not overreacting. Sadly, I did not capture a photo of his awesome rash before it went away.

Back to Basics

I am setting my ambition aside for awhile and going back to my roots as a stay at home mama. The work/daycare experiment did not work for us. At first I resented Ham's utter rejection of daycare, but I think this will be a good thing for both of us. Ham will now be at home with me everyday but Monday afternoon and Friday all day (on those days he will be with his grandmas).

I must admit that I am hesitant to be at home nearly full time again. My depression and anxiety issues were to blame for my failure as a SAHM, but they are under control now and I feel like myself again. Ham is talking more (Hooray for speech therapy!), he is responding well to occupational therapy, he is calmer, he is getting along much better with other children, and is generally a more pleasant toddler to be around. I am actually excited to get back on the play date circuit.

Last summer was the best summer of my life, and I sincerely hope that this summer follows suit. Wish me luck!

Home

As a child I spent most of my time away from my house. I spent my days in daycare, at a sitter's, in school, in after school programs, in before school programs, at friend's houses, and with family members. Home was where I slept not where I lived. Home was not always a welcoming place to me. Most of the time I did not want to be home because there was so much negativity. I longed for a happy home to call my own and I finally have that.

Our home is peaceful, safe, and full of love. I love coming home from work. I open the door and Ham runs to me with his arms out yelling "mamamama!" Hugs and kisses are exchanged by all. My husband is happy to see him and I am happy to see him. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's our real life. After the hello hugs and whatnot Ham usually starts screaming for something and dinner needs to be made. Yet Regardless of our struggles and conflicts there is still so much love and acceptance.

Lately Ham has really been trying our patience. His acting out has increased ten fold as well as some new behavioral issues, like forcing himself to vomit to get attention. Dealing with two year old is difficult in general but dealing with two year old who has sensory issues and a speech delay is almost impossible some days. Despite all of this, I made the decision to pull Ham out of daycare. His last day is June 21st. I know this is going to be difficult, but I know that it is the best thing for him. I want him to be home where we both belong.

Second Thoughts

I am having second thoughts about daycare/preschool. Ham is two weeks in and still not even remotely adjusted. He hates it. He cries off and on all day, refuses to eat and sleep, and generally stays gloomy. He cries when I leave him and is still crying when I pick him up. He holds on to me for dear life when I come get him. It breaks my heart over and over again, and I am not sure how much more I can take of it. I don't want to get ahead at the expense of my child. There is a two week notice required to leave daycare, so I need to make my decision soon.

Another reason we are considering nixing the daycare is to save some money. Hubby and I are committed to working out our finances meaning paying off all debts and beefing up our savings. We want to buy a house in the next five years as well as pay off my student loans and my car. Daycare costs us around $300 a month which is a pretty huge savings. I picked up a few more hours on non daycare days which will also add some cash flow. We've committed to stop eating out (which is already killing me) and scale down Ham's second birthday bash (which is also killing me). It sucks, but I know that it is best for our family.

Thirdly, I miss the hell out of Ham when he's gone. I miss play dates, days at the beach, thrifting trips, picnics, lazy mornings, shared naps, snuggles, and even Elmo. Ham misses it too, I can tell. This change is especially difficult for him due to his sensory and speech difficulties.

I've got less than 24 hours to decide. I will update you all tomorrow.

School Days and Mommy Guilt

Ham started school on Tuesday. He and I had a difficult time adjusting to it. The morning drop off went smoothly but Ham soon realized that he was not going home anytime soon and then the water works started. His teacher, Miss Dee, told me he pretty much cried all day and refused to eat or nap which is so unlike him. When I came to pick him up he was pacing around the room crying and looking scared and lost. My heart sank. He cried all the way home and even nearly an hour afterward. I cried a lot that day. I considered pulling him out of school even though I knew it wasn't a possibility. Mommy guilt took over and I cried until my eyes swelled. It sucked to see him so sad, and I dreaded Thursday morning when we had to do it all again.

Thursday morning was tearful. Ham refused to walk into school and clung to me like a spider monkey when I dropped him off. Miss Dee had to pull him off me so I could leave for work. I gave it two hours and called to see how he was doing. To my surprise he was doing well. Apparently finger painting and parachute can really turn things around for the under two crowd. He ate his lunch, took his nap, and was happy to see me when I came to get him. He gave me a hug and things were normal again. I am so glad that this transition went relatively smoothly for Ham. I, however, am still working through my guilt over leaving him.

I always thought I would be a SAHM. Daycare was never an option for me because I thought only neglectful mothers leave their children with strangers all day. I was a daycare kid turned latch-key teen with few happy memories of being in various daycare centers and after school programs. I resented my mom for leaving me to work a dead end job. It took me years to realize that she was just doing the best she could. I resolved to be the opposite of my mother. Yet, I find myself in much the same place as she was when I was a toddler. I do have a career and the prospect of continuing my education, but I am leaving my child to work all the same. I have come to a new understanding with my mom. I just hope that Ham doesn't hate me for my choices. Here's to overcoming mommy guilt and doing the best we can for our kids. That is my mantra for now.

Of course there are pictures!!!!!

On our way to School, Ham doesn't know what is in store for him yet.

He's excited!

Ham's classroom

Lately

Ham and I have been savoring these last few warm weeks before he starts going to early preschool and I start working more. We've hit every park and play group around. I thought the best way to blog about this would be a collage. Enjoy!