Update

It's been awhile, hasn't it? Ham is still hamming it up, and we are still trying our very best to understand him. We spent some time trying to find a "better" diagnosis that fit him "better," but we were searching for something that didn't exist. He's been diagnosed with Autism twice now as well as ADHD twice. It is what it is; I wish I had something more profound to say about it. Life is a struggle everyday, and Ham will never be a "normal" kid. Yet I am becoming okay with that. He is my son, and I love my more everyday even when I have no idea what is going through his mind.

The Diagnosis

What we learned on Tuesday was not at all surprising yet it still jarred me. That last little hope I had that Ham was just going through a rough time and not in fact Autistic is now gone. I am officially the mother of an Autistic child who also has ADHD and a mood disorder.  

In a way it feels freeing to know that there is a reason for Ham's behaviors, that it is not my fault. My child has a disability, he is not "normal" and never will be. All of my expectations will have to be put aside until we can get a handle on how this diagnosis will affect our lives. 

There are so many options available to us now yet I feel that so much of it is out of our reach. The cost of therapy is just outrageous. It's sickening how much they charge for something that is so necessary. We are dealing with upwards of eighty dollars an hour until our insurance deductible is met. I have no idea how we are going to fit this into our budget. 

I want to do everything we can to help Ham get to where he needs to be. I have no idea how we are going to manage this. Apparently we make too much for assistance but not enough to afford much of anything without it. It really just sucks. 

The Birth of a Special Needs Parent

I tend to romanticize things especially when they're far off in the distance. I think we all do. When you're pregnant you fantasize about your baby and the Johnson and Johnson commercial moments you are going to share with them. I spent a large portion of my pregnancy stuck in the sheer fantasy of it all. There was so much to plan for, so much to buy. But slowly the magnitude of what was about to occur took hold and I found myself sinking into a depression. All that I had ever known was about to end. Gone were the blissful mornings of waking up to a silent house full of serenity. Shit was about to get real. 

I find myself in much the same place tonight as I await the news that will undoubtedly change my life and the vision I had for Ham's future. It's like we hit the forty-second week and there is no more holding it in. We will know the secret, the bliss of not knowing will be over. It will be painful and scary and new. I know that a recovery period will be in order for our family, but I have no idea what that will entail. Though Ham is the topic of conversation, the Hubs and I will need just as much help and guidance as he does. We will have to learn to parent him all over again. 

Part of me wishes I could linger in this day for awhile, let the calm sink in before it dissipates. I want to bask in my own ignorance and still allow myself to think that nothing is wrong. I want to look at Ham as a "normal" kid with "normal" problems. I'm not ready for reality.

This painful part is my transition from being a regular parent to a special needs parent. I can no longer ignore the voice in my head that says something is wrong. I must let it out. I have no choice. 

That feeling

Have you ever been told to go to the principal's office? Just knowing that a man (or woman) in a suit was sitting behind some ginormous wooden desk waiting to pounce was enough to make even the strongest child recoil in fear.

Have you ever sat in an exam room waiting for test results and the doctor comes in the room with that look on their face. They sit down feigning a smile and then proceed to seal your fate.

Have you ever seen those red and blue lights in your rear view mirror followed by the unmistakable police siren? You pull over with your sweaty hands at ten and two and your heart beating a mile a minute while you mentally replay the last six turns you made in your head.

That is the feeling that is beginning to blossom in the pit of my stomach. It started with a little bit of anxiousness and has spread to outright fear. I am afraid to know, but I am also afraid to remain in the darkness. Tuesday is our appointment with Ham's evaluating psychologist to get the results of his evaluation. It is at promptly 8am, which is the earliest appointment they had. I enlisted the Hubs to come with as I need support and want him to hear what she has to say. In two days we will know. 

Tonight we had to use the holds that Hubs learned in his brief stint working with the intellectually delayed in order to get Ham into his pajamas. We had to use a psych on our own child, our three year old child. Ham has the strength of a twelve year old most days and it scares the hell out of me. I have so many emotions welling up inside me. I just don't know what to do with them. I love him so much.

Logistically Challenged

We are well on our way to a diagnosis yet I don't feel any better than I did before this whole thing started. It's less new, more complicated. We are getting Ham's test results from the psychologist on Tuesday (2/4). I can't say that I am worried or nervous as I feel like I already know the results because I am with Ham every day. I see him struggle with the things I take for granted. I see him failing to connect with the world around him. In a way I am at peace with this.

What I a currently a hot mess over is transportation and logistics. You see, I work five to six days a week from 8am to at least 5pm. The Hubs works five days a week from 7:30am to 4:30pm. It seems that the school system, therapists, ABA clinics, and pretty much everyone does not think that parents work. Our local school system offers preschool for kids with autism and developmental disabilities as well as speech delays starting at age three. This school starts at 8:30am and ends at 11:30am. If you notice, our schedules already conflict. Then there is therapy, we are looking into applied behavioral analysis (ABA) therapy as well as occupational therapy (OT) and possibly speech therapy (ST). These seem to be offered randomly throughout the week with little regard to working parents. We are now left with the burden of transporting our child from point A to point B while we are also supposed to be at our respective places of employment.

We are fortunate to have a supportive extended family who live very close. My mom helps out a lot, she takes Ham one day a week, and has agreed to help. The MIL is also very helpful but less available. She can take one day a week as she works. My mom does not work but has medical issues and also cares for her disabled mother. The Hubs and I have to be at work to pay the bills. So, we're left to wonder how on earth this is going to work out.

To make matters worse, or at least more complicated, Ham's current (very tolerant) daycare will not take him less than 21 hours per week and does not do half days. The preschool as well as various therapies will prevent us from meeting those requirements (we're barely meeting them now) and we will be without a daycare. Ham is not potty trained (not even close) and over the magical age of three when all children are apparently potty trained (according to daycare centers), so we are left with little to no options. I am beyond stressed about this. I wish I knew where to start. I could use some prayers, even a miracle if anyone has one to spare. 

The Beast

Ham had his first meeting with the evaluating psychologist. It went okay. It wasn't particularly informational or extraordinary. The doctor echoed most of the things I already thought/knew. She wasn't the nicest lady I've ever met or very good with difficult children but she was thorough. Ham has to return next week for a lengthy evaluation and several tests. I am not looking forward to a string of hours in a very quiet waiting room without wi-fi.

I've been working like a tornado trying to determine what we will be capable of providing for Ham when this whole evaluation period is over and we get a diagnosis. I've sat on hold with extremely unsympathetic insurance agents in a crowded restaurant, I've called every in network therapist, I've contacted the local school system, and I've reached out to as many spectrum moms as I can find. All this time and effort and I've got little to show for it. Everything seems just out of reach for me.

In a perfect world there would be one magic place where Autistic kids could go and get the things they need. It would be filled with gentle and patient therapists, caseworkers, and helpers. There would be OT, ST, PT, ABA, and every other acronym useful to Autistic kids. Parents would be involved and welcome to observe while children would be encouraged to grow in a safe environment. Sadly this magical place exists only in my dreams, perhaps they have one somewhere else in the world but sadly not here.

I am forced to attempt to piece together a program for my son with little knowledge of what he actually needs with little real guidance. I feel lost and overwhelmed. My husband doesn't want to talk about Autism anymore. I am alone against the beast that is Autism and the American healthcare system. God help me.

A is for Autism

With a heavy heart  I took Ham to a developmental pediatrician to get some answers. It is something that I have put off for exactly a year. I prayed that he would grow out of it and just be "normal," but in reality that is not possible. Ham's behavior has become a roadblock to his own growth and development.

I went armed with three years of medical records, a typed description of Ham's behavioral issues, and Ham's Nintendo 2DS (for distraction). Ham was on his worst behavior which was both a blessing and a curse. It was good for his doctor to be able to observe some of his behaviors and bad because of the looks he gets from other patients and the nurses. My heart breaks a little with each disapproving glance.

After much discussion and observation, Ham's doctor believes that he is on the spectrum and may have ADHD. For some time now I have suspected Autism or specifically Aspergers, but it does hurt to hear a professional say that about my son. Now Ham must be evaluated by a child psychologist that specializes in evaluating young children.

It may sound simple enough but there are long waiting lists for evaluations and therapy in my area. We are looking about two to four months at all of our options. I know that three months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like an eternity when I see the way people treat Ham.

Today I became more than a mother. Today I became an advocate for my special needs son. I know it will be an uphill battle but I am ready.

Cabin Fever

If you're not lucky enough to live in Indiana, you probably won't have any idea what is going on here. It is snowy, like really really really snowy! Where I am we have a couple of feet on the ground with some scary tall drifts. As a result Ham, Hubs, and I are stuck at home. School and work was called off today as we are experiencing a "state of emergency" and temperatures in the range of -20. It's not pretty.

Ham is having issues with the schedule changes. Today was supposed to be his first day back from winter break after having two weeks off, but that was not the case. He is confused and antsy, we all are. The Hubs and I are trying our very best to maintain calm in the face of cabin fever. 

Poor Hubs and Ham have been stuck at home since Friday while I was lucky enough to work on Saturday before the storm hit. Now, we are all trying to stay occupied and not drive each other nuts. Ham is into everything and there have been many tantrums. I am doing my best to find things to quiet his fits and give me some peace. 

I had the great idea of going out for a pizza, because what did I have to lose? The only place within miles that was open today was our local pizza joint. It is literally less than a block away from our house, so I decided to make the short trek over to pick up a large cheese pizza. I made it there just fine and got my pizza, but that is where my luck ended. I soon found myself thoroughly stuck in a barely plowed corner. Eight different snow plows drove by before one good Samaritan stopped to plow me out. If he hadn't stopped I may still be there spinning my tires in the snow. 

Now I am definitely stuck inside, so I am trying to make the best of it and stay sane. 

This was a road, notice the lack of visible pavement 

And, I'm stuck...

Excuses for Not Blogging in 2013 and Hopes for the New Year

I pretty much gave up blogging in 2013. It has been a chaotic year filled with changes for our family and a slew of health problems. We moved not once but twice (because we're nomadic like that) with the latest move being to the home we bought November 1st. Marmalade (our kitten) joined the family in May ending our two year pet-free streak.

Ham had bronchitis a handful of times, several unexplained rashes, norovirus, a half dozen sinus infections, a particularly bad ear infection, his first trip to the ER (stitches in the chin), a few puncture wounds, and a whole lot of snotty noses. I enjoyed one broken bone in my hand (because I am the biggest klutz ever), an ear infection, several bouts of bronchitis, one round of steroids for an mysterious inflamed rash, a month long stomach virus culminating in a trip to the off hours clinic, the flu, and reconstructive surgery on my nose and sinuses. The hubs got off lucky with just a few bouts of a cold. Overall, 2013 was an unhealthy year for us.

The hubs and I both managed to keep our jobs despite all the changes in healthcare laws and the like. We are working hard on our debts and trying to consume less. The new home is everything we dreamed it would be, and we are slowly getting it decorated and making it feel like our home. Ham finally considers it his home too.

Ham has had a difficult year with all of the changes and transitions. At just about three and a half he is far from potty trained and has been resisting toileting pretty consistently since we introduced the concept at two and a half. His lack of potty skills got him kicked out of one preschool already which was a difficult transition in itself. For now, Ham is in daycare because we cannot find a school that will take him un-potty trained. The moves were a tumultuous time for him, and tantrums were at an all time high. Marmalade has become an unexpected friend for him. Watching him lovingly pet her and talk about her as his sister is just the sweetest thing ever.

We are going to get Ham formally evaluated by a developmental pediatrician as well as behavioral specialist in January. One of the main reasons that the blog, as well as many other things, has been pushed to the back burner is Ham. His behavior is becoming more difficult to manage with his increasing size. We had hoped that the ability to talk would greatly reduce tantrums and other behavioral issues, but it hasn't. The Hubs and I suspect Aspergers Syndrome.

The journey to get a diagnosis for Ham is what I will be focusing my writing on in 2014. I don't believe in resolutions, however I do believe in hopes. For 2014, I hope to be able to soothe my child and communicate with him on his level. I hope for a more harmonious relationship with my son resulting in a calmer home life. This is what I want out of the next year. The journey starts today.

Where is Mary Poppins When You Need Her?

If you've ever had to find full-time childcare for you child(ren) then you understand the insanity that accompanies this seemingly routine task. You see, searching for a full-time caregiver is not merely looking for a place or person who will teach your child the alphabet and send home cute art projects.They have to be safe, kind, loving, respectful, fun, intelligent, gentle, active, sensitive, and well perfect. These are the people/person that your child will spend more waking time with than they do with you. This is essentially their surrogate mommy, their you when you're gone. It's a monumental decision that has thrown me into a full blown panic.

I have toured and interviewed every state licensed facility (home and center) in my town. My favorite ones were full with substantial waiting lists, and the others were not places I would feel comfortable sending my Ham. Some were smelly. Some were unorganized. Some were overcrowded. And some I just plain didn't like. How can you not be picky with something as serious as this?

I had to scrap the whole daycare center idea altogether and being the long process of finding and interviewing nannies. Where's Mary Poppins when you need her? I went through www.care.com as well as through word of mouth recommendations. I ended up eliminating some via e-mail or phone because they were very obviously not what I was looking for. The rest I had to interview. With a background in HR, one would think that this would be a simple task but you'd be wrong. It was HELL. Seriously, Hell.

I decided to invite the ladies into my home to meet Ham and get a feel for who we are as a family (this was post background check). So, I lined up several interviews each an hour apart. The first nanny was crazy strict. She was into constant correction, lots of rules, and an avid spank-er. The next one was the complete opposite, a lassiz faire parent who pretty much let kids do whatever they wanted and watch tv all day. I had a few less remarkable duds and then I met my own personal Mary Poppins.

It was love at first sight. This woman came right in and sat down in front of Ham and introduced herself. No one else really even paid attention to him. They all came to talk to me about him even though he was in the room the whole time. She brought her daughter along, who I must say is a good match for Ham's bossiness, and they all played together while we chatted. I marveled at how she comforted both of our children seamlessly during arguments over toys. She seemed in her element redirecting conflicts, giving kisses, and playing pretend. Watching her just put me at ease.

Aside from my warm fuzzies, she has a great big house on several fenced acres for Ham to fun free. She is going to take him to swimming lessons (at no extra charge to me), toddler play groups, parks, area activities, and even teach him a preschool curriculum! Did I mention she is a teacher? I couldn't find anything about her that I didn't like. We have the same discipline philosophy, parenting style, personal style, types of toys, and so many other things. I really think that she is the next best thing to me for Ham. I am beyond excited to see her house tomorrow and meet her other children. Wish me luck!

The Childcare Dilemma

I got the job!

 I will be a full-time working mama starting the twenty-fourth. I am beyond excited about what this means for me and my family. I cannot wait to get my ass out of debt and beginning enjoying family outings again. The idea of extra money seems like a fantasy at this point.

On the other hand, I now have exactly one week to find suitable childcare for Ham. Ham is considered "special needs" by most care providers since he has sensory processing disorder. When you say "My son has SPD and he often needs extra attention" they hear "My son will ruin all order and happiness in your place of work. He will trash your classroom and start an avalanche of tantrums and screaming." At least that is my theory since people automatically change tone and demeanor after they hear about Ham.

I guess I'm glad that they are so taken aback because it shows me that they are not fit to care for him. However, I can't seem to find anyone who is that is reasonably priced and close enough to my home and work. I found this amazing Montessori school run by the calmest preschool teacher ever. I feel in love with it quickly and deeply. I knew Ham would thrive there. I could see the changes in him already, but it's so far away from our home and work that it's unfortunately not an option. The much closer Montessori school is just outrageously priced, I would be spending almost my entire paycheck on childcare.

So, now I am scrambling to find a place for him to go even if it's temporary. All the big centers are full, and I've scared away several nannies and home day cares with Ham's special needs. I have very few options left now that would work for us. I am beyond stressed about this, but all I can do is pray and keep looking. Any suggestions would be gladly accepted. 

Funerals

American funerals are such a strange custom. We take a person's dead body to a fancy funeral home, we remove all their blood and guts, we pump them full of chemicals, and then we put them on display for people to cry over. I don't know about you, but I think this is just plain weird.

My grandfather died this past Sunday. He lived in a nursing home for the last few years of his life and died of congestive heart failure/shingles/Alzheimer's/Parkinson's/kidney failure. His death was expected yet sad. I sat in his tiny room on the Alzheimer's unit for four hours with my mother and grandmother. He lay in bed covered as if he was sleeping but his chest never rose. We sat there until he was hauled away by the mortician.

In those hours alone with my mother, grandfather, grandfather's brother and his wife, and my aunt and uncle I mourned. I let go. I said my goodbyes because I knew that he was at peace with God. He could finally feel the grass between his toes, the sun shining on his face, and the breeze off the lake. He was free from pain and the sickness that plagued him for the last twenty-five years. In that time, I had my own funeral for my grandfather.

Yes, I attended the "real" funeral with all of the pomp and circumstance associated with dying. There were lots of tears, floral arrangements, mood lighting, old photos, speeches, and a fancy coffin. The body of my grandfather lay there enshrined on an oak pedestal. To me, it felt so wrong to mourn such a simple, humble person in such an over-the-top way.

My grandfather was a kind man who would do anything or anyone. He was a mechanic, a soldier, and a brain tumor survivor. He spent the entirety of my life with a large portion of his brain missing, but he still loved me more than anything. I will miss him, but I will mourn him in my own way. I will honor him with my kindness to others and my love for my family. 

Work

I have been a full-time SAHM for a few weeks now, and I can honestly say that these have been the worst weeks in recent memory. It's sad but true. I hate being home full-time. Ham is not an easy child by any means, and he has found creative ways to make my life more difficult now that I am ever present. We have been put on the waiting list for a behavioral therapist, but they said it will be at least three months. Which means three more months of getting hit in the face, punched in the stomach, kicked, screamed at, charged at, and just plain beat up. I am tired of being his punching bag, and it's no longer just me. He is beginning to get violent with other children. To say that I'm worried is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am at a loss of what to do about Ham's behavior. He is just plain terrible most of the time, and it's sunk me into a depression. We have put our plans for a second child on hold as we deal with this situation. After a lot of soul searching and prayer, I've decided to apply for full-time jobs because I need to get away (we're also flat broke but that's another issue entirely).

I had my first interview with a clinic on Tuesday, and it went fantastically. I have a second interview and a two hour observation scheduled for Friday morning. I am beyond excited. This could mean much needed adult time, desperately needed income, insurance, savings, the ability to pay off our credit cards, and so much more. I don't think I have ever been this happy about going to work!

There is only one problem, what to do with Ham while I am working. I have spent a considerable amount of time searching for a special needs/behavioral issue friendly daycare provider. I have come up with a few options that I need to look into more thoroughly. It seems like very few daycare providers and teachers understand how to work with kids like Ham. I sincerely hope that I can find a good fit for both of us so we can both thrive. 

Unemployed

The title pretty much sums it up. I am without a job and considering staying that way for the long hall. I mentioned my general job related stress in my last post and it seems that I may have foreshadowed my own crappy ending. My boss and I parted ways over his inability to treat me like a decent person. I will not miss the job, but I will miss the paycheck. As of now, I am looking for a very part time job. I have applied everywhere that I know I will feel content and now I am waiting.

I was pretty torn up about this whole thing until today (my very last day of work). I have come to terms with what happened and can now move on. After a serious talk with the hubs, I now know we can survive on one income if need be. I have had homeschooling in my heart for sometime as well as another baby, so maybe this is God's way of nudging me in that direction.

I am trying to look at this as an opportunity for growth in my faith and self control as I will need both of them to get through our new (and possibly lengthy) lack of funds. We will no longer have money for eating out, shopping, entertainment, "fun money," gifts, big purchases, and the like. In short, we're broke! We will have money for the necessities; bills, food, gas, and internet (we are both going to school in part online so this is required).

This is something with which I know I will struggle. I can be quite frugal but have always lacked the self control needed for this kind of budgeting. Honestly, I am not sure I can do it and that scares me. Thankfully, hubs is on board to help me get through it. I have no credit cards and only carry a debit for necessities.

I am not going into this smiling, but I want to learn to live without frivolous distractions. I want to be able to give Ham (and all his future siblings) my full time and attention, so I am going to have to start sacrificing now. I will need all the prayers and help I can get!

What all this means for you is my LOL (Living on Less) series will make a triumphant return, I will be doing a series on traditional peasant recipes, and there will be lots of budget-minded entries. And of course, lots of Ham!

-Beth

Frustration

I have been so frustrated lately. My boss is not the easiest person to get along with, and lately he has been pretty darn miserable. I just want to be able to go to work and peacefully do my job. Why does there always have to be so much conflict? It's like living at home again. I wish I had other options, but right now I don't. We need the money from my job for car payments and bills.

I am frustrated with my body as well. There is new hope that we may be able to have another child, which is awesome don't get me wrong, but there is so much to think about. I have a 50/50 chance of pretty much being bed bound during the entire pregnancy. I am scared to risk it because I don't want to take anything away from Ham, but one the other hand I know that I will wonder "what if" for the rest of my life. I am a huge believer in just doing it rather than regretting not doing it later, but I don't know if that is the right way to look at a situation like this.

Thirdly, I am frustrated that I have no babysitters anymore. Ham and daycare don't mix, and I have accepted that. However, I still have to work and occasionally get things done sans bebe. My MIL has been gracious enough to pick up all the slack after my mom had surgery, but I can tell she is growing tired of it. My mom is having complications and may need a few more surgeries putting her out of the babysitting pool for the next half a year at least. All of my friends have toddlers of their own and don't want to take on another (which I totally get), so I am stuck. Ham isn't the easiest child to watch either. I am at a loss and hoping I won't lose my job if I have to cut back on my hours (again). Ugh.

Aside from all the frustration and general crappiness, I do have some happy news. I am now singing with my church's worship band. I am one of three singers, and I love it. We do mostly Christian pop songs. I am in heaven. I didn't realize how much I missed singing until now. God is good. :)

My heart is ready but my body is not

As you may have remembered from previous posts I have an autoimmune disease called "Anklosing Spondylitis" (AS for short). I try to be the kind of person who does not let their illness define their life. I keep my whining to a minimum even on bad days and do my best to manage my disease.

We recently tried to get pregnant again with no luck. I had to be off all of my medications for a few months in order to ensure a healthy baby, and it was a nightmare. I felt like I was back where I started pain wise. I feel like I failed Ham as a mom and the hubs as a wife. I simply could not be a wife, mother, daughter, co-worker, and deal with my AS at the same time. So, I started my medication back up and pushed the idea of another baby to the back burner.

After that debacle, I started researching AS and how it affects pregnancy. Even though AS does not normally prevent a women from conceiving and carrying a child to term, it does affect her joints and spine while off medication. Apparently the damage done during a major unmediated flare cannot be undone afterward. Meaning I could permanently damage my spine and major joints by being off my medication for a long period of time. I suppose I could kiss my desire to breast feed goodbye too.

I honestly don't know if I am physically capable of dealing with another pregnancy, birth, and recovery. I don't want to put my own selfish desires before the well being of the family that I already have. Ham does not deserve a disabled mother. I want to be there for him and the hubs as long as I can. I am so afraid that another pregnancy would jeopardize my family.

I am now dealing with the realization that I may never be pregnant again. It is not an easy thing to accept, and I go back and fourth with acceptance each day. There is still a possibility of adopting in the future which gives me hope. I never wanted Ham to be an only like I am, but sometimes God has other plans. 

Powerless

Today we had a really bad storm. The kind of storm that comes with hail and 40+mph winds. The sky opened up and it rained like God was dumping out a bucket. I love watching storms but not at work. Unfortunately I found myself at work during said storm and, of course, the power went out.

It was just about lunch time so we opened all the curtains and ate lunch by natural light. In an attempt to save money, I brought a frozen dinner in lieu of ordering out. So, I had no food. Luckily our office manager shared her lunch with me or I would have been starving. We all figured that the power would come back on after lunch, but it was still dark and getting stuffy.

The power never did come back on. Half the city was out of power, they may still be out for all I know. I never realized how much we depend on electricity until today. Driving was extremely dangerous since no one knows what to do when the stoplights don't work, work was impossible, communicating with the outside world was impossible, and even cooking was impossible. What would happen if this lasted a week or longer?

I have only lived through one true blackout in my town. I was in elementary school and it was winter time. We had a blizzard that left us without power for nearly a week, but somehow we managed. I remember coloring by candle light and storing the food in the snow outside. It was fun to live in the dark. As an adult, the idea of a blackout scare the hell out of me. It is truly frightening how powerless we are without electricity.

My dad is what some might call a "doomsday prepper." He has a store of water, fuel, ammunition, military grade meals, survival gear, seeds, barricading supplies, and a slew of other doomsday essentials. Many jokes have been made about my dad's eccentricities, but I can honestly say that I feel better knowing that I am safe if we lose power for an extended amount of time. 

Roseola

Ham has been acting and feeling weird lately. He had a bad cold that seemed to last forever, followed by three days of random high fevers with no other symptoms, then followed by the appearance of a rash. I decided to wait it out rather than take him to the doctor because he cannot tolerate very many medications, and I didn't want to put either of us through that kind of stress.

I decided to turn to good ole "Doctor Google" to get some answers. A quick look at Dr. Sears's website followed by some webmd gave me the answer. Ham had a textbook case of Roseola. Apparently it is a very common childhood illness that I had never heard of. He is almost back to normal now.  I am proud of myself for not overreacting. Sadly, I did not capture a photo of his awesome rash before it went away.

Back to Basics

I am setting my ambition aside for awhile and going back to my roots as a stay at home mama. The work/daycare experiment did not work for us. At first I resented Ham's utter rejection of daycare, but I think this will be a good thing for both of us. Ham will now be at home with me everyday but Monday afternoon and Friday all day (on those days he will be with his grandmas).

I must admit that I am hesitant to be at home nearly full time again. My depression and anxiety issues were to blame for my failure as a SAHM, but they are under control now and I feel like myself again. Ham is talking more (Hooray for speech therapy!), he is responding well to occupational therapy, he is calmer, he is getting along much better with other children, and is generally a more pleasant toddler to be around. I am actually excited to get back on the play date circuit.

Last summer was the best summer of my life, and I sincerely hope that this summer follows suit. Wish me luck!

Home

As a child I spent most of my time away from my house. I spent my days in daycare, at a sitter's, in school, in after school programs, in before school programs, at friend's houses, and with family members. Home was where I slept not where I lived. Home was not always a welcoming place to me. Most of the time I did not want to be home because there was so much negativity. I longed for a happy home to call my own and I finally have that.

Our home is peaceful, safe, and full of love. I love coming home from work. I open the door and Ham runs to me with his arms out yelling "mamamama!" Hugs and kisses are exchanged by all. My husband is happy to see him and I am happy to see him. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's our real life. After the hello hugs and whatnot Ham usually starts screaming for something and dinner needs to be made. Yet Regardless of our struggles and conflicts there is still so much love and acceptance.

Lately Ham has really been trying our patience. His acting out has increased ten fold as well as some new behavioral issues, like forcing himself to vomit to get attention. Dealing with two year old is difficult in general but dealing with two year old who has sensory issues and a speech delay is almost impossible some days. Despite all of this, I made the decision to pull Ham out of daycare. His last day is June 21st. I know this is going to be difficult, but I know that it is the best thing for him. I want him to be home where we both belong.