Guilt

Despite a rocky start, my child is healthy and thriving. He is nine months old (as of Monday) and a chunky little entertainer. He weighs a whopping thirty pounds and stands, yes stands, just under three feet tall. However, many mamas are not as fortunate as I am. I have a difficult time looking at my healthy child knowing some of my friends and family members may never know that feeling.

Recently, a few of my family members as well as some friends and acquaintances have either lost their children in utereo, at birth, or have very sick children. I look at them in this sorrow and I wonder why I deserve to have what they can't have. I wonder why G-d gave me a healthy child and PPD/PPA so I could not enjoy or appreciate him while other mentally stable mothers grieve their lost babies. 

Now that my depression is lifting, I am left with all of this guilt. I feel guilty because I missed out on Ham's first few months. I feel guilty because I could not appreciate Ham when he was a tiny squish. I feel guilty because I cannot give Ham the kind of life I wanted to. I feel guilty because we don't have a lot of money or even a backyard. I feel guilty because I could not breastfeed. I feel guilty when I get frustrated with him and have to go into another room. I feel guilty when I am in a hurry to go somewhere else. 

I just have a lot of guilt. It seems like the waterfall of worries in my head has been replaced with a swamp of guilt. It is stagnant and thick. I feel like it is stealing my happiness like the depression and anxiety did before, but it is a slower battle. The PPD/PPA took me away like a leaf in the rapids whereas the guilt is like slowly sinking in quicksand. I don't know how to get past the guilt. I know it will take time. I just hope that I can keep my head up and focus on Ham this time around.

Weight Watchers Among Other Things

Today is my first day of Weight Watchers Points Plus. I am going strong so far. It is not as hard as I thought it would be. I am pretty much eating what I was with some minor changes and the exception of all things fast food. I am excited to see this through, and hope that it is the fresh start I am looking for. I helps that my husband is coming along for the ride.

School is finally done for the summer, and I could not be happier. I get to spend all the time I want with Ham and even enjoy some pleasure reading. I did not flunk accounting, I got a high 'C!" Who could ask for anything more?

My very first Mother's Day was nice. We visited our moms and spent the day relaxing with Ham. Hubs got me tickets to Chicago the musical.

Tomorrow is our two year anniversary. I am so excited to have made it this far with no major problems. I could not be more in love with my Hubs. I am a lucky girl. More on that tomorrow.

Later this week is my first counseling appointment. I am trying not to think about it. I have been through counseling before for another issue a long time ago, and I hated it. I am not a very open person, at least when we are meeting face to face, and talking to a stranger about my issues is not really my cup of tea. I know it is something I have to do. I just want to get through it and get better.

That's all for now dearies.

Living on Less (LOL for short)

I've decided to start a new blog series, hopefully it will run weekly, about living on less. We've been slowing adopting a leaner lifestyle, partly out of necessity and partly out of a desire to save more money. I have found myself transforming into a more responsible person, perhaps a better person even. I used to be obsessed with things, and spent hundreds of dollars every week on things I did not need. Now, I thrift, clip coupons, pantry shop, ebay, garage sale, repurpose, buy in bulk, and make my own. I cannot imagine spending $80 on a pair of jeans again. I am happy with my leaner lifestyle, and I would like to share my journey with you.

I will be sharing things like cheap and healthy recipes, how to coupon, what to buy in bulk, how to thrift, how to tackle garage sales, cost efficient household cleaning, how to sell your junk for cash, how to repurpose with style, and raising a child on less. Please join me on my journey to live on less.

Speaking of living on less, this week's pantry challenge has been going smashingly! Yesterday we had Alton Brown's Sweet Potato Waffles with a few substitutions (egg beaters and leftover mashed sweet potatoes) and Ina Garten's Baked Maple Bacon (using turkey bacon). We did not have to buy a single thing to make dinner because it was all in our pantry and fridge. Tonight, we are having America's Test Kitchen Classic Bolognese pared with some lettuce salad and French bread. We substituted ground beef instead of the mix as that is what we had on hand. It is definitely worth the time simmering; just one more hour until it's done!

The Bolognese simmering away on the stove...yummm

I will share more recipes tomorrow. Bon Appetite readers!