Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Where is Mary Poppins When You Need Her?

If you've ever had to find full-time childcare for you child(ren) then you understand the insanity that accompanies this seemingly routine task. You see, searching for a full-time caregiver is not merely looking for a place or person who will teach your child the alphabet and send home cute art projects.They have to be safe, kind, loving, respectful, fun, intelligent, gentle, active, sensitive, and well perfect. These are the people/person that your child will spend more waking time with than they do with you. This is essentially their surrogate mommy, their you when you're gone. It's a monumental decision that has thrown me into a full blown panic.

I have toured and interviewed every state licensed facility (home and center) in my town. My favorite ones were full with substantial waiting lists, and the others were not places I would feel comfortable sending my Ham. Some were smelly. Some were unorganized. Some were overcrowded. And some I just plain didn't like. How can you not be picky with something as serious as this?

I had to scrap the whole daycare center idea altogether and being the long process of finding and interviewing nannies. Where's Mary Poppins when you need her? I went through as well as through word of mouth recommendations. I ended up eliminating some via e-mail or phone because they were very obviously not what I was looking for. The rest I had to interview. With a background in HR, one would think that this would be a simple task but you'd be wrong. It was HELL. Seriously, Hell.

I decided to invite the ladies into my home to meet Ham and get a feel for who we are as a family (this was post background check). So, I lined up several interviews each an hour apart. The first nanny was crazy strict. She was into constant correction, lots of rules, and an avid spank-er. The next one was the complete opposite, a lassiz faire parent who pretty much let kids do whatever they wanted and watch tv all day. I had a few less remarkable duds and then I met my own personal Mary Poppins.

It was love at first sight. This woman came right in and sat down in front of Ham and introduced herself. No one else really even paid attention to him. They all came to talk to me about him even though he was in the room the whole time. She brought her daughter along, who I must say is a good match for Ham's bossiness, and they all played together while we chatted. I marveled at how she comforted both of our children seamlessly during arguments over toys. She seemed in her element redirecting conflicts, giving kisses, and playing pretend. Watching her just put me at ease.

Aside from my warm fuzzies, she has a great big house on several fenced acres for Ham to fun free. She is going to take him to swimming lessons (at no extra charge to me), toddler play groups, parks, area activities, and even teach him a preschool curriculum! Did I mention she is a teacher? I couldn't find anything about her that I didn't like. We have the same discipline philosophy, parenting style, personal style, types of toys, and so many other things. I really think that she is the next best thing to me for Ham. I am beyond excited to see her house tomorrow and meet her other children. Wish me luck!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

The Childcare Dilemma

I got the job!

 I will be a full-time working mama starting the twenty-fourth. I am beyond excited about what this means for me and my family. I cannot wait to get my ass out of debt and beginning enjoying family outings again. The idea of extra money seems like a fantasy at this point.

On the other hand, I now have exactly one week to find suitable childcare for Ham. Ham is considered "special needs" by most care providers since he has sensory processing disorder. When you say "My son has SPD and he often needs extra attention" they hear "My son will ruin all order and happiness in your place of work. He will trash your classroom and start an avalanche of tantrums and screaming." At least that is my theory since people automatically change tone and demeanor after they hear about Ham.

I guess I'm glad that they are so taken aback because it shows me that they are not fit to care for him. However, I can't seem to find anyone who is that is reasonably priced and close enough to my home and work. I found this amazing Montessori school run by the calmest preschool teacher ever. I feel in love with it quickly and deeply. I knew Ham would thrive there. I could see the changes in him already, but it's so far away from our home and work that it's unfortunately not an option. The much closer Montessori school is just outrageously priced, I would be spending almost my entire paycheck on childcare.

So, now I am scrambling to find a place for him to go even if it's temporary. All the big centers are full, and I've scared away several nannies and home day cares with Ham's special needs. I have very few options left now that would work for us. I am beyond stressed about this, but all I can do is pray and keep looking. Any suggestions would be gladly accepted. 

Thursday, September 13, 2012


American funerals are such a strange custom. We take a person's dead body to a fancy funeral home, we remove all their blood and guts, we pump them full of chemicals, and then we put them on display for people to cry over. I don't know about you, but I think this is just plain weird.

My grandfather died this past Sunday. He lived in a nursing home for the last few years of his life and died of congestive heart failure/shingles/Alzheimer's/Parkinson's/kidney failure. His death was expected yet sad. I sat in his tiny room on the Alzheimer's unit for four hours with my mother and grandmother. He lay in bed covered as if he was sleeping but his chest never rose. We sat there until he was hauled away by the mortician.

In those hours alone with my mother, grandfather, grandfather's brother and his wife, and my aunt and uncle I mourned. I let go. I said my goodbyes because I knew that he was at peace with God. He could finally feel the grass between his toes, the sun shining on his face, and the breeze off the lake. He was free from pain and the sickness that plagued him for the last twenty-five years. In that time, I had my own funeral for my grandfather.

Yes, I attended the "real" funeral with all of the pomp and circumstance associated with dying. There were lots of tears, floral arrangements, mood lighting, old photos, speeches, and a fancy coffin. The body of my grandfather lay there enshrined on an oak pedestal. To me, it felt so wrong to mourn such a simple, humble person in such an over-the-top way.

My grandfather was a kind man who would do anything or anyone. He was a mechanic, a soldier, and a brain tumor survivor. He spent the entirety of my life with a large portion of his brain missing, but he still loved me more than anything. I will miss him, but I will mourn him in my own way. I will honor him with my kindness to others and my love for my family. 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


I have been a full-time SAHM for a few weeks now, and I can honestly say that these have been the worst weeks in recent memory. It's sad but true. I hate being home full-time. Ham is not an easy child by any means, and he has found creative ways to make my life more difficult now that I am ever present. We have been put on the waiting list for a behavioral therapist, but they said it will be at least three months. Which means three more months of getting hit in the face, punched in the stomach, kicked, screamed at, charged at, and just plain beat up. I am tired of being his punching bag, and it's no longer just me. He is beginning to get violent with other children. To say that I'm worried is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am at a loss of what to do about Ham's behavior. He is just plain terrible most of the time, and it's sunk me into a depression. We have put our plans for a second child on hold as we deal with this situation. After a lot of soul searching and prayer, I've decided to apply for full-time jobs because I need to get away (we're also flat broke but that's another issue entirely).

I had my first interview with a clinic on Tuesday, and it went fantastically. I have a second interview and a two hour observation scheduled for Friday morning. I am beyond excited. This could mean much needed adult time, desperately needed income, insurance, savings, the ability to pay off our credit cards, and so much more. I don't think I have ever been this happy about going to work!

There is only one problem, what to do with Ham while I am working. I have spent a considerable amount of time searching for a special needs/behavioral issue friendly daycare provider. I have come up with a few options that I need to look into more thoroughly. It seems like very few daycare providers and teachers understand how to work with kids like Ham. I sincerely hope that I can find a good fit for both of us so we can both thrive. 

Sunday, August 26, 2012


The title pretty much sums it up. I am without a job and considering staying that way for the long hall. I mentioned my general job related stress in my last post and it seems that I may have foreshadowed my own crappy ending. My boss and I parted ways over his inability to treat me like a decent person. I will not miss the job, but I will miss the paycheck. As of now, I am looking for a very part time job. I have applied everywhere that I know I will feel content and now I am waiting.

I was pretty torn up about this whole thing until today (my very last day of work). I have come to terms with what happened and can now move on. After a serious talk with the hubs, I now know we can survive on one income if need be. I have had homeschooling in my heart for sometime as well as another baby, so maybe this is God's way of nudging me in that direction.

I am trying to look at this as an opportunity for growth in my faith and self control as I will need both of them to get through our new (and possibly lengthy) lack of funds. We will no longer have money for eating out, shopping, entertainment, "fun money," gifts, big purchases, and the like. In short, we're broke! We will have money for the necessities; bills, food, gas, and internet (we are both going to school in part online so this is required).

This is something with which I know I will struggle. I can be quite frugal but have always lacked the self control needed for this kind of budgeting. Honestly, I am not sure I can do it and that scares me. Thankfully, hubs is on board to help me get through it. I have no credit cards and only carry a debit for necessities.

I am not going into this smiling, but I want to learn to live without frivolous distractions. I want to be able to give Ham (and all his future siblings) my full time and attention, so I am going to have to start sacrificing now. I will need all the prayers and help I can get!

What all this means for you is my LOL (Living on Less) series will make a triumphant return, I will be doing a series on traditional peasant recipes, and there will be lots of budget-minded entries. And of course, lots of Ham!


Wednesday, August 8, 2012


I have been so frustrated lately. My boss is not the easiest person to get along with, and lately he has been pretty darn miserable. I just want to be able to go to work and peacefully do my job. Why does there always have to be so much conflict? It's like living at home again. I wish I had other options, but right now I don't. We need the money from my job for car payments and bills.

I am frustrated with my body as well. There is new hope that we may be able to have another child, which is awesome don't get me wrong, but there is so much to think about. I have a 50/50 chance of pretty much being bed bound during the entire pregnancy. I am scared to risk it because I don't want to take anything away from Ham, but one the other hand I know that I will wonder "what if" for the rest of my life. I am a huge believer in just doing it rather than regretting not doing it later, but I don't know if that is the right way to look at a situation like this.

Thirdly, I am frustrated that I have no babysitters anymore. Ham and daycare don't mix, and I have accepted that. However, I still have to work and occasionally get things done sans bebe. My MIL has been gracious enough to pick up all the slack after my mom had surgery, but I can tell she is growing tired of it. My mom is having complications and may need a few more surgeries putting her out of the babysitting pool for the next half a year at least. All of my friends have toddlers of their own and don't want to take on another (which I totally get), so I am stuck. Ham isn't the easiest child to watch either. I am at a loss and hoping I won't lose my job if I have to cut back on my hours (again). Ugh.

Aside from all the frustration and general crappiness, I do have some happy news. I am now singing with my church's worship band. I am one of three singers, and I love it. We do mostly Christian pop songs. I am in heaven. I didn't realize how much I missed singing until now. God is good. :)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

My heart is ready but my body is not

As you may have remembered from previous posts I have an autoimmune disease called "Anklosing Spondylitis" (AS for short). I try to be the kind of person who does not let their illness define their life. I keep my whining to a minimum even on bad days and do my best to manage my disease.

We recently tried to get pregnant again with no luck. I had to be off all of my medications for a few months in order to ensure a healthy baby, and it was a nightmare. I felt like I was back where I started pain wise. I feel like I failed Ham as a mom and the hubs as a wife. I simply could not be a wife, mother, daughter, co-worker, and deal with my AS at the same time. So, I started my medication back up and pushed the idea of another baby to the back burner.

After that debacle, I started researching AS and how it affects pregnancy. Even though AS does not normally prevent a women from conceiving and carrying a child to term, it does affect her joints and spine while off medication. Apparently the damage done during a major unmediated flare cannot be undone afterward. Meaning I could permanently damage my spine and major joints by being off my medication for a long period of time. I suppose I could kiss my desire to breast feed goodbye too.

I honestly don't know if I am physically capable of dealing with another pregnancy, birth, and recovery. I don't want to put my own selfish desires before the well being of the family that I already have. Ham does not deserve a disabled mother. I want to be there for him and the hubs as long as I can. I am so afraid that another pregnancy would jeopardize my family.

I am now dealing with the realization that I may never be pregnant again. It is not an easy thing to accept, and I go back and fourth with acceptance each day. There is still a possibility of adopting in the future which gives me hope. I never wanted Ham to be an only like I am, but sometimes God has other plans. 

Friday, June 29, 2012


Today we had a really bad storm. The kind of storm that comes with hail and 40+mph winds. The sky opened up and it rained like God was dumping out a bucket. I love watching storms but not at work. Unfortunately I found myself at work during said storm and, of course, the power went out.

It was just about lunch time so we opened all the curtains and ate lunch by natural light. In an attempt to save money, I brought a frozen dinner in lieu of ordering out. So, I had no food. Luckily our office manager shared her lunch with me or I would have been starving. We all figured that the power would come back on after lunch, but it was still dark and getting stuffy.

The power never did come back on. Half the city was out of power, they may still be out for all I know. I never realized how much we depend on electricity until today. Driving was extremely dangerous since no one knows what to do when the stoplights don't work, work was impossible, communicating with the outside world was impossible, and even cooking was impossible. What would happen if this lasted a week or longer?

I have only lived through one true blackout in my town. I was in elementary school and it was winter time. We had a blizzard that left us without power for nearly a week, but somehow we managed. I remember coloring by candle light and storing the food in the snow outside. It was fun to live in the dark. As an adult, the idea of a blackout scare the hell out of me. It is truly frightening how powerless we are without electricity.

My dad is what some might call a "doomsday prepper." He has a store of water, fuel, ammunition, military grade meals, survival gear, seeds, barricading supplies, and a slew of other doomsday essentials. Many jokes have been made about my dad's eccentricities, but I can honestly say that I feel better knowing that I am safe if we lose power for an extended amount of time. 

Thursday, June 21, 2012


Ham has been acting and feeling weird lately. He had a bad cold that seemed to last forever, followed by three days of random high fevers with no other symptoms, then followed by the appearance of a rash. I decided to wait it out rather than take him to the doctor because he cannot tolerate very many medications, and I didn't want to put either of us through that kind of stress.

I decided to turn to good ole "Doctor Google" to get some answers. A quick look at Dr. Sears's website followed by some webmd gave me the answer. Ham had a textbook case of Roseola. Apparently it is a very common childhood illness that I had never heard of. He is almost back to normal now.  I am proud of myself for not overreacting. Sadly, I did not capture a photo of his awesome rash before it went away.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Back to Basics

I am setting my ambition aside for awhile and going back to my roots as a stay at home mama. The work/daycare experiment did not work for us. At first I resented Ham's utter rejection of daycare, but I think this will be a good thing for both of us. Ham will now be at home with me everyday but Monday afternoon and Friday all day (on those days he will be with his grandmas).

I must admit that I am hesitant to be at home nearly full time again. My depression and anxiety issues were to blame for my failure as a SAHM, but they are under control now and I feel like myself again. Ham is talking more (Hooray for speech therapy!), he is responding well to occupational therapy, he is calmer, he is getting along much better with other children, and is generally a more pleasant toddler to be around. I am actually excited to get back on the play date circuit.

Last summer was the best summer of my life, and I sincerely hope that this summer follows suit. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


As a child I spent most of my time away from my house. I spent my days in daycare, at a sitter's, in school, in after school programs, in before school programs, at friend's houses, and with family members. Home was where I slept not where I lived. Home was not always a welcoming place to me. Most of the time I did not want to be home because there was so much negativity. I longed for a happy home to call my own and I finally have that.

Our home is peaceful, safe, and full of love. I love coming home from work. I open the door and Ham runs to me with his arms out yelling "mamamama!" Hugs and kisses are exchanged by all. My husband is happy to see him and I am happy to see him. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's our real life. After the hello hugs and whatnot Ham usually starts screaming for something and dinner needs to be made. Yet Regardless of our struggles and conflicts there is still so much love and acceptance.

Lately Ham has really been trying our patience. His acting out has increased ten fold as well as some new behavioral issues, like forcing himself to vomit to get attention. Dealing with two year old is difficult in general but dealing with two year old who has sensory issues and a speech delay is almost impossible some days. Despite all of this, I made the decision to pull Ham out of daycare. His last day is June 21st. I know this is going to be difficult, but I know that it is the best thing for him. I want him to be home where we both belong.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Second Thoughts

I am having second thoughts about daycare/preschool. Ham is two weeks in and still not even remotely adjusted. He hates it. He cries off and on all day, refuses to eat and sleep, and generally stays gloomy. He cries when I leave him and is still crying when I pick him up. He holds on to me for dear life when I come get him. It breaks my heart over and over again, and I am not sure how much more I can take of it. I don't want to get ahead at the expense of my child. There is a two week notice required to leave daycare, so I need to make my decision soon.

Another reason we are considering nixing the daycare is to save some money. Hubby and I are committed to working out our finances meaning paying off all debts and beefing up our savings. We want to buy a house in the next five years as well as pay off my student loans and my car. Daycare costs us around $300 a month which is a pretty huge savings. I picked up a few more hours on non daycare days which will also add some cash flow. We've committed to stop eating out (which is already killing me) and scale down Ham's second birthday bash (which is also killing me). It sucks, but I know that it is best for our family.

Thirdly, I miss the hell out of Ham when he's gone. I miss play dates, days at the beach, thrifting trips, picnics, lazy mornings, shared naps, snuggles, and even Elmo. Ham misses it too, I can tell. This change is especially difficult for him due to his sensory and speech difficulties.

I've got less than 24 hours to decide. I will update you all tomorrow.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

School Days and Mommy Guilt

Ham started school on Tuesday. He and I had a difficult time adjusting to it. The morning drop off went smoothly but Ham soon realized that he was not going home anytime soon and then the water works started. His teacher, Miss Dee, told me he pretty much cried all day and refused to eat or nap which is so unlike him. When I came to pick him up he was pacing around the room crying and looking scared and lost. My heart sank. He cried all the way home and even nearly an hour afterward. I cried a lot that day. I considered pulling him out of school even though I knew it wasn't a possibility. Mommy guilt took over and I cried until my eyes swelled. It sucked to see him so sad, and I dreaded Thursday morning when we had to do it all again.

Thursday morning was tearful. Ham refused to walk into school and clung to me like a spider monkey when I dropped him off. Miss Dee had to pull him off me so I could leave for work. I gave it two hours and called to see how he was doing. To my surprise he was doing well. Apparently finger painting and parachute can really turn things around for the under two crowd. He ate his lunch, took his nap, and was happy to see me when I came to get him. He gave me a hug and things were normal again. I am so glad that this transition went relatively smoothly for Ham. I, however, am still working through my guilt over leaving him.

I always thought I would be a SAHM. Daycare was never an option for me because I thought only neglectful mothers leave their children with strangers all day. I was a daycare kid turned latch-key teen with few happy memories of being in various daycare centers and after school programs. I resented my mom for leaving me to work a dead end job. It took me years to realize that she was just doing the best she could. I resolved to be the opposite of my mother. Yet, I find myself in much the same place as she was when I was a toddler. I do have a career and the prospect of continuing my education, but I am leaving my child to work all the same. I have come to a new understanding with my mom. I just hope that Ham doesn't hate me for my choices. Here's to overcoming mommy guilt and doing the best we can for our kids. That is my mantra for now.

Of course there are pictures!!!!!
On our way to School, Ham doesn't know what is in store for him yet.
He's excited!

Ham's classroom

Saturday, May 26, 2012


Ham and I have been savoring these last few warm weeks before he starts going to early preschool and I start working more. We've hit every park and play group around. I thought the best way to blog about this would be a collage. Enjoy!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Letting Go

Ham sleeps with his little plastic tools. He pretends to fix things with and carries them around all day. When he's tired he wears his blanket on top of his head and runs into things. He loves steering wheels and buttons. He doesn't really ever sit still. The first ten minutes of "Curious George 2: Follow that Monkey" make him laugh hysterically every time (and I still don't know why). He hates green vegetables and most protein. He can't drink juice because he'll vomit. Running water always makes him giggle. He doesn't like to be held or cuddled, but you always know he loves you. "Wa-wah" means waffles not water in our household. Waking up is always an occasion for celebration. His deep belly laughs can brighten any day. He only likes kisses on top of his head, and he hates mushrooms.

There are so many things to know about my son. How is a stranger going to learn all of these things with other several other kids? All of the helpful notes in the world will never be able to sum him up. He is a joy and a walking disaster all rolled into one pudgy bundle. Ham is my life, and I am so afraid to let him go even though I know that it is the right choice for us both.

How are they going to know that he hates regular sippies and is afraid of animal sounds? What happens if he wakes up from nap and cries because I am not there? What if they're mean to him or don't like him because he can't talk? How about if he feels abandoned or lonely? Will he think we love him less? Will he still love me?

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It's off to Work I Go!

Changes are taking place here in the Ham homestead. After much thought, desperation, crying, and inner turmoil I have decided to go back to working just about full-time (up from my measly 12 hours a week). There were so many things that made me change my mind about staying home full time the largest of which are Ham's special needs. I haven't talked about them much at all on this blog because I still have trouble accepting them.

Ham was diagnosed at eighteen months with a significant speech delay.  At twenty months old he can say "mama," "no," "uhoh," "nigh nigh," "uhhh" for up, "daaaaaa" for down, "wah-wah" for waffle, and "mahmahmah" for more. He is definitely still quite far behind, but he has therapy every week and we are working with him one on one as well. Up until the last few weeks, he only really said "no" and "uhoh," so we are making progress.

Ham's other special need is his Sensory Modulation Disorder combined with Sensory Seeking behavior. This is hard to explain. Ham needs to experience more sensory stimuli more often and more intensely than other kids. On top of that, he has trouble doing so. This disorder is so much more challenging than the speech delay. His disorder causes him to do things like extreme tantruming, head banging, screaming, aggression, very short attention span, hyperactivity, mood instability, and general difficulty with everyday life for both of us. I LOVE Ham with all my heart. I really do, but even with the therapy I can barely handle him some days. We have good days, perfect days but we also have horrible days when I just sit and cry and pray for help.

I have finally realized that I am not cut out for caring for a special needs child 24/7. I am not. I wanted to be so badly, I really did. I read all the books, I went to counseling, I am on medication, I joined a local SAHM group, I frequent message boards, and I feel like I am drowning in mamahood. I did everything I could and more, but I still can't handle it. I am finally ready to accept that fact and move on. My job has graciously offered me more hours, and I have accepted them.

Now I am dealing with the mess of getting Ham into daycare. The center that I fell in love with has a year long waiting list which sucks. I am now trying to decide between my other choices. I toured one large center today and was not as impressed as I was with my first choice, but I did like it. I am touring two home day care centers later this week. I need to make my choice by Monday.

It is a lot happening all at once. I just hope that I am making the right decision and that everything will work out for the best.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Positively Negative

I peed on my stick (make that a whopping seven sticks, just to be sure) with all my heart it's a no-go. I'm not pregnant this time around, but I'm oddly okay with that. I know that it will happen when the time is right. In the meantime, I have decided to focus even more on eating healthy and exercising so that I will be at my best when I do get pregnant. I've decided, not so happily, to eliminate refined sugars and a majority of the carbs from my diet. It is going well so far, but it is definitely not an easy feat.

I suppose it's a blessing in disguise that I am not vomiting my brains out right now because Ham has really been testing me lately. There has been lots of screaming, running off, hitting, and otherwise misbehaving. I think his two year molars may be to blame, but I'm not brave enough to stick my fingers in to find out for sure. I just hope that this phase passes quickly.

Easter bubbles!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

An Average Tuesday

Life has been pretty uneventful since my last post. Ham is doing well although he did catch another cold, his second in the last few months. He seems to be understanding so much lately even though he has not made any more progress in the way of talking. He basically only says "I-GO" meaning that he is wanting to go/going somewhere, and "no" which means anything from yes to leave me alone. I yearn for the day when he walks up to me and says "I love you mama." I am pretty sure I will just all out lose it then.

Hubby and I are still TTC. I am still waiting to test, I will get to pee on my lovely plastic stick on Friday morning. I would love some prayers for a positive result. I am trying not to get my hopes up since this is only month #1 of trying, but it is hard not to. I am so ready to get this show on the road!

I am dragging hubs to IKEA on Friday since he has the day off. I've been told that couples never fair well at IKEA, they even devoted an episode of 30 Rock to this phenomenon. I hope we make it out happily married and carrying bags to Swedish awesomeness! We need a few more things for Ham's new room when we move as well as whatever else we find that we cannot live without.

That's it for today. I am going to use the rest of naptime to try and get some work done.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012


    I am not a patient person. It's just a fact. I can't seem to change that no matter how hard I try. I am, however, a lot more patient than my 1.5 year old. We are currently waiting the obligatory two weeks before I pee on a stick. I remember how upsetting this process was the first time around and am hoping it goes more smoothly this time. Ham was conceived after lots of trying, and I was convinced that I could not possibly be pregnant when I took the test. I was so convinced that I actually threw it away before even reading the results and went back to bed. I remember digging it out of the bathroom trash and panicking because I didn't have any more tests left and wasn't sure if I could trust the positive since it had been sitting in the trash a few hours. This was before I had a car of my own, so I had to wait all day to drive over to Walgreens and buy not one, not two, but six pregnancy tests (gotta be sure) to take at home. All of them came up positive and so started my life as a mama.

    Now that I've been-there-done-that, I am trying to be a bit more calm about the whole thing. I tracked my cycle and timed everything right. I just had to sit back and relax, but honestly all I can think about is the possible baby. I have even bought a few, super cheap, baby items that I could not pass up. Hubby seems to be playing along nicely despite my erratic moods lately (a mix of hormones and weaning off my meds), and I hope that I can maintain my faux calm until I can at least test. I should find out one way or the other by Easter. Until then, I must learn to be patient.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Busy Day!

Ham and I had a super busy day today. We had a fantastic play date with his friends L and S (identical twin girls about his age) at their farm house. I can't wait to come when the weather is nicer and see all the baby animals! After that we had some lunch at Qdoba and then a haircut. We topped it off with a quick visit to his favorite park, and now he's napping it all off. You know he's tired when he runs inside, grabs his blankie, and falls to the floor. Tonight we're having a going away dinner for my husband's best friend who's visiting from Hawaii and then watching the Office! What a perfect day. I might even hit up the grocery store when he wakes up. Did I mention how much I love being a SAHM?

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


Life got in the way of writing as it seems to do quite often. Nuff' said.

Lots of changes are afoot in our family. Ham has been diagnosed with developmental delays and is just beginning therapy to work on them. He has delays in speech, communication, and social behavior. A speech therapist will be working with him weekly. We are also having an occupational therapist evaluate him for sensory and behavioral issues. It is a lot to take in, and I am still dealing with it. Everyone thinks their child is perfect and it's not easy to hear that there is something wrong. I love Ham with all my heart and I am convinced he will do great things. He just needs a little more help than some other kids.

We're moving! Our little family is moving across town to a nice little town home. It is more like a row house by design, tall and skinny but the neighborhood is considerably better then ours. We finally get our own washer and dryer and stairs! I've never lived in a house with stairs, so I am really excited about them. One more thing to decorate! We'll be moving at the end of April.

Last but not least, we've decided to start trying for baby number two! It's still pretty hush hush, but I am beyond excited. I hope that things come easier this time around. I am so ready to be pregnant again and to add to our family. I am already planning for my VBAC. Wish me luck! I know it's going to be a long road ahead.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Best Job Ever

Being at stay-at-home mom was not what I thought it was going to be, but it turned into the best job ever. I get to wake up every morning and kiss my baby. I get to cuddle him, sing to him, eat with him, watch "Sesame Street" with him, shop with him, nap with him, and let happiness rule my schedule. We get to eat when we're hungry and rest when we're tired. We have a basic schedule, but we stray from it often.

I get to see the joy in my son's face when he learns to climb his slide or uncertainty when he tries something new. I also have to be the housekeeper and head disciplinarian, but nothing is perfect. I have lots of people ask me how I can stay home and still be satisfied as a person. I do work 12 hours a week outside the home which seems to fill any adult void that I have. I love being mama, there is no better title. My job is to raise a person, to sculpt a toddler into a man that I can be proud of. It's not an easy job, but the rewards are better than any paycheck.

I am proud to be a stay-at-home mom! I am just where I want to be. :)

Peace and love to your littles,


Sunday, January 1, 2012

Goals for 2012

Rather than resolutions, I've decided to make some manageable goals for 2012. I hope, for once, that I can really stick to these.

1. To eat a less processed, more locally sourced diet.
Which I have failed at already, thanks McDonald's. I will succeed tomorrow.

2. To lead a more active lifestyle.

3. To re-connect with my Jewish roots.
Note the new layout. 

4. To read more books.

5. Lastly, to stay on budget every month.