Tuesday, July 24, 2012

My heart is ready but my body is not

As you may have remembered from previous posts I have an autoimmune disease called "Anklosing Spondylitis" (AS for short). I try to be the kind of person who does not let their illness define their life. I keep my whining to a minimum even on bad days and do my best to manage my disease.

We recently tried to get pregnant again with no luck. I had to be off all of my medications for a few months in order to ensure a healthy baby, and it was a nightmare. I felt like I was back where I started pain wise. I feel like I failed Ham as a mom and the hubs as a wife. I simply could not be a wife, mother, daughter, co-worker, and deal with my AS at the same time. So, I started my medication back up and pushed the idea of another baby to the back burner.

After that debacle, I started researching AS and how it affects pregnancy. Even though AS does not normally prevent a women from conceiving and carrying a child to term, it does affect her joints and spine while off medication. Apparently the damage done during a major unmediated flare cannot be undone afterward. Meaning I could permanently damage my spine and major joints by being off my medication for a long period of time. I suppose I could kiss my desire to breast feed goodbye too.

I honestly don't know if I am physically capable of dealing with another pregnancy, birth, and recovery. I don't want to put my own selfish desires before the well being of the family that I already have. Ham does not deserve a disabled mother. I want to be there for him and the hubs as long as I can. I am so afraid that another pregnancy would jeopardize my family.

I am now dealing with the realization that I may never be pregnant again. It is not an easy thing to accept, and I go back and fourth with acceptance each day. There is still a possibility of adopting in the future which gives me hope. I never wanted Ham to be an only like I am, but sometimes God has other plans.