Saturday, May 26, 2012


Ham and I have been savoring these last few warm weeks before he starts going to early preschool and I start working more. We've hit every park and play group around. I thought the best way to blog about this would be a collage. Enjoy!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Letting Go

Ham sleeps with his little plastic tools. He pretends to fix things with and carries them around all day. When he's tired he wears his blanket on top of his head and runs into things. He loves steering wheels and buttons. He doesn't really ever sit still. The first ten minutes of "Curious George 2: Follow that Monkey" make him laugh hysterically every time (and I still don't know why). He hates green vegetables and most protein. He can't drink juice because he'll vomit. Running water always makes him giggle. He doesn't like to be held or cuddled, but you always know he loves you. "Wa-wah" means waffles not water in our household. Waking up is always an occasion for celebration. His deep belly laughs can brighten any day. He only likes kisses on top of his head, and he hates mushrooms.

There are so many things to know about my son. How is a stranger going to learn all of these things with other several other kids? All of the helpful notes in the world will never be able to sum him up. He is a joy and a walking disaster all rolled into one pudgy bundle. Ham is my life, and I am so afraid to let him go even though I know that it is the right choice for us both.

How are they going to know that he hates regular sippies and is afraid of animal sounds? What happens if he wakes up from nap and cries because I am not there? What if they're mean to him or don't like him because he can't talk? How about if he feels abandoned or lonely? Will he think we love him less? Will he still love me?

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It's off to Work I Go!

Changes are taking place here in the Ham homestead. After much thought, desperation, crying, and inner turmoil I have decided to go back to working just about full-time (up from my measly 12 hours a week). There were so many things that made me change my mind about staying home full time the largest of which are Ham's special needs. I haven't talked about them much at all on this blog because I still have trouble accepting them.

Ham was diagnosed at eighteen months with a significant speech delay.  At twenty months old he can say "mama," "no," "uhoh," "nigh nigh," "uhhh" for up, "daaaaaa" for down, "wah-wah" for waffle, and "mahmahmah" for more. He is definitely still quite far behind, but he has therapy every week and we are working with him one on one as well. Up until the last few weeks, he only really said "no" and "uhoh," so we are making progress.

Ham's other special need is his Sensory Modulation Disorder combined with Sensory Seeking behavior. This is hard to explain. Ham needs to experience more sensory stimuli more often and more intensely than other kids. On top of that, he has trouble doing so. This disorder is so much more challenging than the speech delay. His disorder causes him to do things like extreme tantruming, head banging, screaming, aggression, very short attention span, hyperactivity, mood instability, and general difficulty with everyday life for both of us. I LOVE Ham with all my heart. I really do, but even with the therapy I can barely handle him some days. We have good days, perfect days but we also have horrible days when I just sit and cry and pray for help.

I have finally realized that I am not cut out for caring for a special needs child 24/7. I am not. I wanted to be so badly, I really did. I read all the books, I went to counseling, I am on medication, I joined a local SAHM group, I frequent message boards, and I feel like I am drowning in mamahood. I did everything I could and more, but I still can't handle it. I am finally ready to accept that fact and move on. My job has graciously offered me more hours, and I have accepted them.

Now I am dealing with the mess of getting Ham into daycare. The center that I fell in love with has a year long waiting list which sucks. I am now trying to decide between my other choices. I toured one large center today and was not as impressed as I was with my first choice, but I did like it. I am touring two home day care centers later this week. I need to make my choice by Monday.

It is a lot happening all at once. I just hope that I am making the right decision and that everything will work out for the best.