FAT

That's right, Fat. I'm fat. I'm not particularly proud of it, but it's pretty obvious. I'm not sure why people think they can hide the fact that they are not thin. I don't really bother with it anymore. I was never really skinny per say, I used to be "in shape" when I was younger but I was always larger than some of the other girls. I have huge wrists and huge feet, which never get any smaller regardless of my weight. I'm generally larger than most ladies.

However, I do want to be healthier. I've been thinking about what I eat in front of Ham, and I am afraid that he has already started to pick up my bad habits. He seems happy to eat only chicken nuggets, and we eat out more than I'd like. I know that this can very well decide whether he will struggle with food or not. My mom fed me mac and cheese, McDonalds, Hostess snacks, cookies, chips, candy, and pretty much everything else that you're not supposed to feed little kids. My mom didn't know any better because she was fed the same things as a child. I know better. I know better and I'm still eating like crap. This needs to stop.

I hate diets. I am bad at them. I have lost weight and gained in back throughout my life due to yo-yo dieting. I've tried Weight Watches, Slim Fast, Atkins, South Beach, and even the grape fruit diet. I've taken diet pills, stuck my finger down my throat, starved myself, binged, purged, and everything in between. I have horrible eating habits. Despite my awesome menus for menu planning Monday, I generally eat pretty horribly. My breakfasts are full of sugar and my lunches are usually fast food. This is what needs to change.

I caught a glimpse of myself in one of those five way mirrors in the JcPenney dressing room today. I didn't even recognize myself. Starting now, I have to change.

The Most Stressful Week Ever!

Seriously, last week was just that! I worked full time to cover for a co-worker's vacation while attending school full time and being a wife and mother. How in the hell do people do that? I am still exhausted. This week there will be more posts! For now, good night!

Meal Planning Monday!

I am back on the wagon for this one!

Monday: Baked chicken with onions, carrots, and couscous

Tuesday: Homemade turkey joes with potatoes and salad

Wednesday: Homemade macaroni and cheese and salad

Thursday: Oatmeal waffles, turkey sausage, and fruit

Friday: Turkey bean chili

Saturday: Aloha Chicken with rice

Sunday: At the in-laws

This week I was going for fast and easy but still healthy. What are you having this week?

Tired

Lately I have been really truly tired. I mean physically exhausted much of the day despite how much sleep I get. I must admit it's scaring me. I can barely make it past noon without falling asleep. Ham's nearly constant energy is not helping this issue at all. I have been employing my mom to help me out during the day so I don't just fall over.

I am fighting the urge to nap right this moment, it's really killing me not to curl up with a blanket and snooze for an hour. I haven't felt like this since I was pregnant! Maybe I just need a vacation to get some rest. Wishful thinking.

Going it Alone

My hubs is away on business for the week, so I am going it alone with a crabby toddler cutting molars. I am armed with a medicine cabinet of children's Motrin, baby Tylenol, Highlands Teething Tablets, baby Oragel, and lots of Advil for myself. I am utterly exhausted from being up all night with him. It's been too long since I've done this, especially by myself.

For some crazy reason, I marathon cleaned the house last night. I hate being alone at night, so I cleaned. The house hasn't been this clean in months! I am trying my darndest to keep it that way. Too bad I stayed up until 1am cleaning and then had to get back up at 2am with Ham. I'm completely exhausted and I have to work today.

I have to give major props to all the single parents out there. I cannot imagine how they do it! I barely have enough time to be a mom let alone be a dad as well.

A Letter to My Ham

I realize I suck for not updating for months. Life got in the way, but I'm back. 

Ham is now just about fourteen months old, walking, running, hopping, cutting his second pair of molars, playing with the big kids at the park, developing a helluva personality, and continuing to be completely adorable. He is so much more than I ever thought he would/could be. It makes me so unbelievably happy and sad all at the same time. I am proud to be his mom, but sad to see him grow so quickly. We are officially 32lbs and 33 inches!

Here is my first, hopefully the first of many, letter to my Ham. I want to give these to him at a later date in hopes that he can appreciate what its like to be a parent someday.

Dear Little Ham,

I can't believe that it's been over a year since we first met. This has been the absolute best and most difficult year of my life. You have changed me in ways I never imagined you would. I know it sounds cheesy, but you changed me. You taught me how to ask for help, how to be patient, how to share, how to get messy, how to cry, how to laugh, how to let things go, how to sleep when I'm tired, how to pray, how to appreciate the small things, how to be calm, and how to love. I thought I knew how to do all of those things before I had you, before I even thought about getting pregnant but I was wrong. Having you made me become and adult and a better person.

The trauma of your birth was the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with. For a time, it changed me for the worse. It's not easy for me to tell you this, but I feel like you need to know. I suffered from postpartum depression, and I was afraid to get help. I didn't want people to think I didn't love you so I waited to ask for help. This was a mistake that I am still grappling with. I got help. I got better. Things got better. I learned how to be the best mother and person I could be. This is a mistake that I won't make again. I feel like you've already forgive me for it, the look in your eyes changed when I got better. I love you so much.

You have turned into such an amazing little person. In just one year you've gone from a crying potato to a mobile toddler! It has been such an amazing experience watching you learn. I can see the wheels in your head turning as you try to figure things out and how proud you are when you finally do! Most recently you've mastered running, climbing, and clapping. My daily accomplishments pale in comparison to yours. I can't wait to wake up every morning and see what you'll do next. Waking up to your smiling, often jumping, face makes every sleepless night, every headache, and every day of morning sickness worth it. I wish you knew just how much I love your smile. It really is the best thing ever.

My son, you are the most amazing thing in the world. You are going to grow up to be someone great, I just know it. You are bold, curious, silly, smart, stubborn, driven, daring, darling, loving, independent, and most of  all perfect in every way! I hope you realize just how special you when you read this. I love you now and forever my beautiful baby boy. 

Love Always,

Your Mom