That feeling

Have you ever been told to go to the principal's office? Just knowing that a man (or woman) in a suit was sitting behind some ginormous wooden desk waiting to pounce was enough to make even the strongest child recoil in fear.

Have you ever sat in an exam room waiting for test results and the doctor comes in the room with that look on their face. They sit down feigning a smile and then proceed to seal your fate.

Have you ever seen those red and blue lights in your rear view mirror followed by the unmistakable police siren? You pull over with your sweaty hands at ten and two and your heart beating a mile a minute while you mentally replay the last six turns you made in your head.

That is the feeling that is beginning to blossom in the pit of my stomach. It started with a little bit of anxiousness and has spread to outright fear. I am afraid to know, but I am also afraid to remain in the darkness. Tuesday is our appointment with Ham's evaluating psychologist to get the results of his evaluation. It is at promptly 8am, which is the earliest appointment they had. I enlisted the Hubs to come with as I need support and want him to hear what she has to say. In two days we will know. 

Tonight we had to use the holds that Hubs learned in his brief stint working with the intellectually delayed in order to get Ham into his pajamas. We had to use a psych on our own child, our three year old child. Ham has the strength of a twelve year old most days and it scares the hell out of me. I have so many emotions welling up inside me. I just don't know what to do with them. I love him so much.